Chapter 15: The Wise Virgin

The female counterpart of a Soulmates Marriage is like one of the Wise Virgins spoken of in the scriptures.  This is the end goal for the wife.  It’s the highest height.  Not all wives want to become a Wise Virgin (as the parable indicates) because the way is so narrow.  The rules are strict.  But thanks to our Savior, there are various levels of Wise Virgins.  Yet there are limits even for these lower levels.  Mercy extends only so far.  Past that point relationships will not remain sustainable.  All that is given in mercy needs to be ordained by God.

A Wise Virgin has a mission too.  It is that she believes in her husband and his mission.  There are many specific missions but she has this one constantly in her heart and mind.  It’s not that she has to force herself to get on board with what he’s doing or pretend she’s excited about it.  She actually has the same core beliefs as he does.  She feels the value of his mission and of his ability to fulfill it profoundly.  She’s anxious to help him, support him, love him.  Her life is his life.  This is hopefully one of the main reasons she married him in the first place.  He embodies all that she is passionate about.

Listen:  “She Believes (In Me)” by Ronan Keating (remake of Kenny Rogers’ song)


She’s not interested in taking charge or becoming some kind of wicked all-about-me queen.  This is so because she has taken Christ’s name upon her too.  She’s not a Queen Noah.  She serves and serves quietly, often in hidden ways because she knows that it is about losing her life for his.  No arguments or envy about who’s got more authority.  She’s not even interested in that because of how he treats her and how much she knows he needs her.  She's interested in him.  There’s just something about being quietly by his side that is so amazingly powerful.  It’s not about being a rug for him to walk on because a Bridegroom wouldn’t do that to her.  He honors her and his God. She is this way because he is that way.

“I receive not honour from men.” ~John 5:41

"Each of us can be a leader. We need to remember that the mantle of leadership is not the cloak of comfort, but the robe of responsibility." ~President Thomas S. Monson, “In Quest for the Abundant Life,” March 1988 Ensign 

Arwen from "Lord of the Rings", a pretty good representation of a Wise Virgin

She doesn’t make him her rug either.  She knows that what she is attracted to sustainably is a Bridegroom so if she treats him like something less or tries to usurp his role, she loses out on Sustainable Attraction at the level she desires to experience it.  She understands this because she has lived it.  She feels her place on the mountain and senses her destiny.  She keeps herself in tune with her Savior so she can sense what her husband really is—what God designed him to be—not what the world shouts so loudly that he has to be in order to be of value.  She knows that real value and happiness come from identifying and fulfilling the measure of his creation.  No other success will have the capacity to satisfy her.

Listen:  “Beautiful to Him” by Rachel Thibodeau

I realize not all women are like this.  I'm saying a Wise Virgin--the kind of woman a Bridegroom wants--is.  There are plenty of other types of women for other types of men.  

“But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them.  But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many” ~Mark 10:42-45 

“No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father.” ~John 10:18 

"And he put forth a parable to those which were bidden, when he marked how they chose out the chief rooms; saying unto them, When thou art bidden of any man to a wedding, sit not down in the highest room; lest a more honourable man than thou be bidden of him; And he that bade thee and him come and say to thee, Give this man place; and thou begin with shame to take the lowest room. But when thou art bidden, go and sit down in the lowest room; that when he that bade thee cometh, he may say unto thee, Friend, go up higher: then shalt thou have worship in the presence of them that sit at meat with thee.  For whosoever exalteth [her]self shall be abased; and [she] that humbleth [her]self shall be exalted." ~Luke 14:7-11

“Epiphany” by James Christensen

A Wise Virgin also accepts and honors a kind of sub-Holy Ghost position towards her husband and children.  In speaking of this we all need to remember what the Holy Ghost is.  He [She] is a still small voice.  She counsels but doesn’t demand or force. There's this little fairy (Navi) on a video game called Zelda that my boys used to play.  The fairy is always with Link, the main character.  She's always saying, "Hey Listen!" And then she gives him clues and guidance that he can choose to listen to or not.  This reminds me of the role of the Holy Ghost.

James Christensen “Poofy Guy on a Short Leash"

She does not and WILL NOT tote her husband along behind her just because she is really good at hearing the Lord’s voice.  She’s someone like Eve, Deborah, Abigail, Ruth & Naomi, Esther, Hannah, Mary, Lois & Eunice, Johanna & Susanna, Rhoda, or Lydia.  She leads quietly and prefers to do her work behind the scenes.  She studies those righteous women of the past to evaluate and then implement how they obtain their desires and resolve their conflicts.

“But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.” ~Luke 2:19

In standing in this position towards her husband and children, a Wise Virgin helps them resolve their conflicts and obtain their desires by echoing and reinforcing the confirmation and guidance of the Holy Ghost.  In essence she helps them develop the general Soulmates Attributes of faith and repentance.  She helps them learn how to listen to the still small voice.  She becomes that voice inside their heads.  That means she is deeply conscious of her responsibility to make that voice be a true voice—aligned with the Holy Ghost’s counsel for them.

"By pureness, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned..." ~2 Corinthians 6:6 

"And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it." ~Alma 56:48

So if the members of her family have issues, a Wise Virgin is able to help resolve them.  Because she does this, her Bridegroom husband will completely and utterly fall in love with her over and over again as she becomes his princess, the one that keeps him out of cold towers and motivates him to continue slaying the dragons. A Wise Virgin doesn't want to leave this job to the Holy Ghost alone.  She doesn't want the Holy Ghost being his only source of confirmation.  She wants to add her peace to that as well.  She wants the Holy Ghost to teach her what she needs to know to help her husband because it is through this process that his heart will become sealed to her for time and all eternity.

"And they remembered his words, And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest. It was Mary Magdalene, and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles." ~Luke 24:8-10

Listen:  “Fall for You” by Secondhand Seranade

"Woman at the Well" by Simon Dewey

To become a Wise Virgin is the Soulmate Journey for the wife.  It is a work in progress. Thanks to her own Bridegroom and her Marriage Counselor, a woman not only has a guide but a Savior and Redeemer who, given time and space, will make of her something she could not make of herself alone. 

When a woman strives to become a Wise Virgin, she won’t be perfect in the beginning but with her consistent faith in her husband and in the Lord, and repentance for choices that deviate from them, she will powerfully attract her husband to her. He will desire her and will be sealed to her for time and all eternity from his very core. While the Holy Spirit of Promise is grace, these Wise Virgin actions are the works. “...for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (2 Nephi 25:23).  Grace and works intertwine and weave together to create Sustainable Attraction.

The White Witch from the Narnia movies

Personal Story
There was a time in my life when I wanted to be front and center.  I thought that was where all the joy was.  I saw other women front and center and thought they were happy.  I wondered why I couldn't be.  Sometimes I tried to be but it never worked out.  When I tried to take charge in my family, it didn't bring me happiness.  It was a position I couldn't fill.  I believe this was the case because I had a hard time seeing things objectively.  I was so subjective and so naturally empathetic.  In short I am naturally a big ball of emotions.  And while this is one of my gifts, if used in the wrong place, it becomes one of my weaknesses.  Because of this, I realized that I couldn't play the father role in the family effectively.  I needed a man with the strength to objectively set the rules of the family.  I couldn't be the rule-maker-judge and the person who patiently trained my kids how to keep them.  Trying to play both was a terrible position for me to be in.  I could feel it drawing out the White Witch in me.  I believe the father needs to stand in the rule-maker-judge role while the mother stands in the trainer-mediator-advocate role between her husband and their children kind of like the relationship between Heavenly Father (Justice--the rules), Jesus Christ (Mercy--the Mediator), and us.  When the Lord was retraining me, he took the rule-maker-judge role and it was a total relief!  He showed me what to do with the kids.  He showed me how to have faith in him and patience with the kids when rules were broken.  In doing this he enabled me to retain my love and my sweetness towards my kids.  Otherwise, I'm telling you I was a wicked witch.