"What an exciting life is available for each one of us today! We may not be a John Cabot, sailing off into the blue with the king’s patent to discover new lands, nor a Captain James Cook, whose voyages of discovery carried him to the known ends of the earth. Captain Cook declared: “I had ambition not only to go farther than any man had ever been before, but as far as it was possible for a man to go.” But we can be explorers in spirit, with a mandate to make this world better by discovering improved ways of living and of doing things." ~President Thomas S. Monson, "In Quest for the Abundant Life," March 1988 Ensign
"I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine, oh
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me, no"
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine, oh
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me, no"
Another metaphor of the power of a Soulmates Marriage is in the Disney movie, Frozen, where Elsa (Idina Menzel) sings, "I don't care what they're going to say, let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway" (Let It Go). With a Soulmates Marriage (or being a part of a family with parents who have a Soulmates Marriage), we can say this. Without it, we can't. This kind of relationship doesn't exclude everyone else. It enables us to love everyone else instead of hate even in the face of temptation and adversity (Matthew 5:13, Isaiah 54:2, Moses 7:18). Thankfully there is a Heavenly Soulmates Marriage so that all of us who choose to commit to belonging to that family can access its protection through the atonement of Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost (see Mother in Heaven).
Listen: "Love at Home" sung by the Osmonds
I have desired to find the answers to all of my questions in the Gospel of Jesus Christ as written in the scriptures, as spoken by modern prophets, and through personal revelation instead of from other sources that might conflict with these. I have sought the guidance of God to the best of my ability (2 Nephi 28:31).
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| 1 Nephi 19:23 & 2 Nephi 32:3 |
I went through a divorce in 2012, which was very hard for me. I've been worried that writing about how much I value marriage would seem hypocritical or not worth much since it appears by my choices that I don't value it. It is very true that I don't value marriages of convenience or pretense. I don't value the marriage that is placed as a lower priority than getting rich, owning a big house, impressing the neighbors, or getting promoted to the highest levels possible in one's career. I especially don't value the marriage where one or both individuals are more interested in what church calling they have and how members of their church perceive their value because of it. Because I noticed those things were valued in society, including my church society, I used to value them in the same way. But doing so made me miserable. I've been working with God for a long time to eliminate these kinds of desires, which conflict with my desire to obtain a Soulmates Marriage. I realize that not everyone cares if their marriage is a SoulmatesMarriage. I think a big part of that is because they don't believe it's possible. But I do. I know I'm not chasing rainbows or tilting windmills in this belief because I consistently feel the Spirit of God beckoning me onward and reassuring me that it is possible. I know that "with God nothing shall be impossible" (Luke 1:39) as long as I'm willing to sacrifice all that is required of me to obtain it (D&C 130:20-21). That is my faith and my hope.
Here are two excerpts from my January 2009 Journal (before my divorce) that describe this desire:
“How can love last forever in a relationship? Both physically and spiritually? How can attraction stay? How can we stop ourselves from both turning to selfishness and suspecting the other of turning to selfishness? What part of a relationship is selfish and what part is okay?”
“I want closeness in a relationship. I want a relationship where we can both respect each other. I want a relationship where we both admire each other. I want a relationship where we both desire more than anything to be together yet we often fight against that desire in order to get our work done so that we can then be together again (see Getting A Life). I want nothing else. But I will do whatever work Heavenly Father needs me to do for my mission. I don’t want to be important in the world’s eyes. I don’t want any inappropriate relationships. I don’t want any superficial meaningless relationships. I only want this one.”
I'm addressing this conflict between my divorce and this desire for a Soulmates Marriage because I've been very aware of the appearance of contradiction. But contradictions can sometimes turn out to be paradoxes. A paradox is "a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true" (Apple Dictionary). I hope to explain throughout this blog that it's possible to desire a Soulmates Marriage but recognize that may never happen with a specific person because of the all important variable of AGENCY.
Listen: "Know This, That Every Soul Is Free"
There was a turning point in my marriage when I committed to trusting the Lord for guidance more than I had before. He taught me how to treat my husband with kindness and respect. And when it was apparent the relationship had to end, I was instructed how to do that with love, instead of the traditional hatred that accompanies divorce. In return, Sherm has treated me the same way. I'm tempted to feel pride when things aren't going so well for him or envious when they are, which is par for the course for divorced people,
but I don't want to be that kind of person so I fight against those kinds of thoughts. I view him as a friend and a family member. He has been very generous with me financially and very kind. We've been working together to raise our kids, choosing to love and forgive, in order to stay right with God and be examples to our kids.
For the first four years after the divorce, our family has spent the major holidays together. We have even gone on some family vacations together. We have chosen to do it this way so we don't ruin ourselves or our kids with hatred. None of it would be possible without our Savior Jesus Christ. For my part, I acknowledge that the Lord has empowered me to do this through his atonement. I am so thankful for him! 
"...for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." ~2 Nephi 25:23
That meant that I stopped expecting him to meet my needs. I saw the divorce as me getting out of his way so he could have a second chance at obtaining a Soulmates Marriage with someone else. This wasn't easy and wasn't an easy way out. Out of what? I knew the most intense sustainable happiness is found within marriage, not outside of it. But I also wondered if I was using the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to obtain that, then why would I want out even after doing that for years? I believed there had to be at least some progress that indicated all my efforts were not in vain.
I discovered that it was a very terrible battle against self throughout the entire divorce process because there were many in my community (church and society) who evidently did not believe God's grace worked this way. They often wanted me to prove how bad my spouse had been to me in order to justify the divorce. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I fell for that. I wanted to justify myself more than anything but I always felt terrible afterward.
I discovered that it was a very terrible battle against self throughout the entire divorce process because there were many in my community (church and society) who evidently did not believe God's grace worked this way. They often wanted me to prove how bad my spouse had been to me in order to justify the divorce. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I fell for that. I wanted to justify myself more than anything but I always felt terrible afterward.
My job was to be quiet and not worry about what others thought of me. I only needed to be concerned about what God thought of me. There were many times when I succeeded in doing this and other times when I failed. I learned that I should not expose my spouse's privacy in order to justify myself to them. And I saw that in some cases they naturally assumed I must have been the sinner (and still am). Lots of pain for me there.
I have this inherent need to be a good girl. I don't want to set a bad example. I've been a bad example in the past but the closer I develop my relationship with God, the more motivated I am to keep his name sacred and pure. Because I confess that he is my mentor, my trainer, my exemplar, my provider, my evaluator, I need to walk the talk. That's why it has hurt so badly to be categorized as someone who takes her marriage covenants lightly.
"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." ~Matthew 5:44
So this is what I've been up against. I figured out pretty quickly that I wasn't going to make it unless I relied on God's judgment of me and on the atonement of Jesus Christ, while allowing those people to persecute me without turning and "reviling again" (3 Nephi 6:13).
"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." ~Matthew 5:44
I've wanted to stop associating with the whole lot of these people because the judgment just keeps on coming. And it's mostly because they don't understand or know how to deal with me. Some of them unconsciously or consciously consider me as one of the sinners (John 7:20). I've been treated that way even by people that I've loved and respected.
Can I take that kind of heat and remain an active Christian--an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? I have only been able to do it because I am sure God directed me to divorce and I've fought to stomp out my own self-righteousness and self-doubt.
I have been required to develop my communication relationship with God to the point where I am able to follow his will in the face of all this adversity. If that weren't true I wouldn't have been able to go through with the divorce without the approval of my society (the cold would have seriously bothered me!).
God has sustained me in the face of the disapproval of my society. If he didn't approve then he wouldn't have sustained me and I would have had to rely on their approval. And after experiencing the terrible fear that attends walking through a divorce, I know that no other person's approval, except God's, would have been enough to sustain me. So, the only way to walk through my divorce and remain true to God was to submit myself completely to his will in regards to his specific plan for me--persecution and all.
I'm dwelling on this point because it is still a conflict for me. When I start doubting and believing "my accusers" I start to sink in the water, like Peter did that night on the Sea of Galilee. When he saw the winds and the waves all around him and took his eyes off of Jesus, he began to fear (Matthew 14:25-31). I obviously need to learn more about enduring in my faith until the end. It's just that I'm required to endure for such a long time.
I didn't completely understand the exceptions to the marriage rule (and didn't at all desire to be one) until I had to walk through my divorce. Here's an
excerpt from my April 2009 prayer journal:
It's 2015. I've been legally divorced for almost 4 years now. But I've known for almost 7 years that my marriage with Sherman was never going to get any better. I know it appears that I don't have plans to remarry. But that isn't true.
I'm dwelling on this point because it is still a conflict for me. When I start doubting and believing "my accusers" I start to sink in the water, like Peter did that night on the Sea of Galilee. When he saw the winds and the waves all around him and took his eyes off of Jesus, he began to fear (Matthew 14:25-31). I obviously need to learn more about enduring in my faith until the end. It's just that I'm required to endure for such a long time.
"But thou didst direct me to marry him. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. Dost thou work this way? How can I believe this was done on purpose? I thought everything was supposed to be perfectly wrapped with a bow exactly right on top. I thought young women were supposed to marry their true love and grow together with him for time and all eternity.""In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." ~The Family: A Proclamation to the World
It's 2015. I've been legally divorced for almost 4 years now. But I've known for almost 7 years that my marriage with Sherman was never going to get any better. I know it appears that I don't have plans to remarry. But that isn't true.
I have submitted myself to a rigorous journey to prepare myself to become the Soulmate wife of the man I want to be married to for time and all eternity. I am governed by God in this effort. I can not do as I will from day to day if that conflicts with His will. When I start spending my time on less important tasks, I feel a very bad feeling in my heart.
I strive to stay on this narrow pathway. My goal is to give all of myself to Him. I have no desire to take it back. This is not easy but I find that I need this kind of sacrifice challenge for my happiness. I don't like to take the easy way to obtain what I want. I have learned that when I do God's will the very best of ends will be mine, my children's, and my ex-husband's.
"O then, my beloved brethren, come unto the Lord, the Holy One. Remember that his paths are righteous. Behold, the way for man is narrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him, and the keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there; and there is none other way save it be by the gate; for he cannot be deceived, for the Lord God is his name." ~2 Nephi 9:41
"So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple." ~Luke 14:33
"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." ~1 Corinthians 2:9
This blog contains my personal field-notes from my journey--what I've learned about marriage and divorce. I've wondered why I feel the need to write a blog about this if I'm not supposed to care about what others think of me. In reflecting on the answer to that question I see that I do need to care about what humble, good people think about me. These are people who just want to understand what happened because they love me, my ex-husband, and our kids. And I hope there are some who will benefit from it, especially those who are facing similar circumstances.
"O then, my beloved brethren, come unto the Lord, the Holy One. Remember that his paths are righteous. Behold, the way for man is narrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him, and the keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there; and there is none other way save it be by the gate; for he cannot be deceived, for the Lord God is his name." ~2 Nephi 9:41
"So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple." ~Luke 14:33
"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." ~1 Corinthians 2:9
This blog contains my personal field-notes from my journey--what I've learned about marriage and divorce. I've wondered why I feel the need to write a blog about this if I'm not supposed to care about what others think of me. In reflecting on the answer to that question I see that I do need to care about what humble, good people think about me. These are people who just want to understand what happened because they love me, my ex-husband, and our kids. And I hope there are some who will benefit from it, especially those who are facing similar circumstances.
I've come to understand that the purpose is to report my findings and give a summarized history of the events. I know I sound like I'm teaching when I write because that's just what I do, but I'm really just telling my story, learning, solidifying, and concluding.
Another reason for writing this blog-book is that it is no secret that I have chosen Jesus Christ as my Cause. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love him. All of my blogs have him at the center. I don't want to say I follow him and appear like I'm not. If I'm going to be of any use to him at all as an example of the believers, I've got to have a chance to explain his Mercy and how it has been personally applied to me.
Another reason for writing this blog-book is that it is no secret that I have chosen Jesus Christ as my Cause. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love him. All of my blogs have him at the center. I don't want to say I follow him and appear like I'm not. If I'm going to be of any use to him at all as an example of the believers, I've got to have a chance to explain his Mercy and how it has been personally applied to me.
I have found that I am unable to explain this in short conversations. That's because there's a long story behind it. And there's usually not enough time to tell it all. But again, I get the feeling that it's really me who needs to understand, believe, and hold steadfast to this story so that I really won't care if others believe it or not.
Chapter 1
Chapter 1
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