Chapter 1: Soulmates Marriage

I've noticed that the term Soulmate is pretty controversial.  People get extremely heated on both sides of the issue.  I think that's because marriage is such a vital relationship to develop in order to obtain Sustainable Joy. 

"...men are, that they might have joy." ~2 Nephi 2:25

Some people think their spouse is either a Soulmate or he is not.  And if not, then there's no hope.  Nothing can be done to mend the relationship once problems start and attraction wanes.  They believe attraction is either there or it's not; we can do nothing to maintain it over time.  What we do does not have any impact on attraction to our spouse.  This mentality is like buying a car and when it starts having problems, selling it and getting a new one without even trying to fix it first.  If we have this mentality, we'll walk through life looking for a magical person with whom the honeymoon will never end, regardless of what we do.  They don't know there exist advanced strategies to the Soulmates Marriage game.  This is like believing in all grace and no works.

"But strong marriage and family relationships do not happen just because we are members of the Church. They require constant, intentional work. The doctrine of eternal families must inspire us to dedicate our best efforts to saving and enriching our marriages and families" ~In Praise of Those Who Save by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Other people think there's no such thing as a Soulmate.  Marriage is work.  It will work with any person, despite their agency, if you put in the work.  Attraction doesn't stick around for long in any marriage.  It dies in time regardless of the work, which leaves us with the duty to put up with our spouse for the rest of our life.  We're essentially shackled to him.  We think this is the way it always goes and everyone has to deal with it.  If serious problems continuously arise despite continuous efforts to fix them, we just bear them.  So even when attraction fades away, we plug our nose in order to get the "food" down, grinning and bearing it.  Even though we've continually gone to the highest level "Expert" that we know to teach us about the incrementally advanced strategies we need to engage in to retain the beautiful relationship we started with, and our spouse repeatedly uses his agency to communicate his disinterest in (or inability to implement) such strategies, we just keep on forcing ourselves to stay married for the sake of justice.  This mentality is like buying a car and when it continuously breaks down for years to the point that it is more an unreliable money pit than a tool to assist us in getting where we need to go safely, reliably, and efficiently, we refuse to let it go and purchase another one.  Even though it continuously fails to act as the maker originally designed it to act, we continuously try to force ourselves and the vehicle to work.  This is like believing in all works and no grace.

Is it possible to obtain a Soulmates Marriage or is this just a pipe dream?  Is the idea of a Soulmate just a cop out of marriage?  Is there just one person who would fit this description for us or are there many people who could fit?  Is it possible to develop a Soulmates Marriage or is it all about being lucky in love?  Is there a certain type of person with certain qualities, background, and religious beliefs with whom we would have a better chance of developing this kind of relationship?  Is it possible we could start with a Soulmates Marriage but, because of the agency of both partners, deviate from it over time?  Most of us agree friendship can last forever but what about romance?  Can it be sustained or at least regularly revived ("I get the joy of rediscovering you..." Faithfully by Journey)?  

"Prophets have said: 'The most important of the Lord’s work that you will ever do will be the work you do within the walls of your own home. Home Teaching, bishopric’s work, and other Church duties are all important, but the most important work is within the walls of your home.'” ~Eternal Families by President Henry B. Eyring
 
So everyone probably has some definition in their heads about what a Soulmate is.  That's why I need to take the time to define what I'm referring to when I use the term so that we're all on the same page. 

What Is A Soulmates Marriage? 

When I speak of a Soulmates Marriage, I'm referring to a covenant relationship between a man, a woman, and God.  It's a temple marriage where both individuals play by the rules continuously and repent ASAP when they mess up.  It's not a couple who get married in the temple and think that's all that needs to be done. It is a journey that both spouses take together with the help of their Marriage Counselor Team.  

The head of a Soulmates Marriage Counselor Team is God.  We choose the other members of the team.  These are men and women who we believe to best understand who God is and what his directions are to obtain a Soulmates Marriage.  These are those who have already obtained a Soulmates Marriage for themselves, like the one we desire to obtain OR people who know the general rules that need to be followed to obtain sustainable relationships that can be applied to marriage.

The goal of a Soulmates Marriage is to progress towards a mutually desired level of Values.  A Value is a goal that is valuable to us AND the way we we believe is right to go about obtaining it.  For example, everyone values Joy and wants to obtain it but the way I go about obtaining it may be very different from someone else's way.  God’s Values are different than the World’s Values.  They are sustainable while the World's Values are not.  The journey to obtaining a sustainable relationship with our spouse then, becomes an incremental quest to voluntarily sacrifice what the World values for what God values.  

We each have a different capacity to discern God's Values.  We use this discernment to decide which Marriage Counselors are teaching Values that are most in alignment with God's Values and which are not.  

The intensity and sustainability of the presence of the Holy Ghost, who is part of the Godhead, and thus the Soulmates Marriage Counselor Team, enables us to most accurately make these choices.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ allows us to make these choices for ourselves instead being forced to know and live by the highest Values of God.

The more we desire our Values to become like God’s, the higher and longer the climb.  That is the sacrifice.  The level at which husband and wife choose to voluntarily sacrifice returns a correlated intensity of Sustainable Attraction.  That is, the higher the husband and wife climb together, the more intense the level of Sustainable Attraction they have for one another.  

Sustainable Attraction is the continuous dynamically balanced combination of friendship and romance between husband and wife fueled by the unity of their own voluntary efforts and the Holy Spirit of Promise.  This bond of Attraction acts as a spiritual Forcefield around their marriage and family, providing a shield against overwhelming Adversity and Temptation.  

Because of this Forcefield, Adversity and Temptation are reduced to the beneficial resistance against which our Values can grow.  This creates a self-sustaining vehicle in which we travel to our final destination--immortality and eternal life. That is, our present level of Values creates the Forcefield and the Forcefield enables us to develop higher Values until we have reached a mutually desired intensity of Sustainable Attraction.

So I've wondered what prevents a marriage from achieving that self-sustaining state?  That’s a golden question.  When I was first engaged to my spouse, we were very much attracted to each other but for some reason we deviated from that place over time.  The level of Attraction faded instead of intensifying.  It was not sustainable.  Why?  I'm going to attempt to answer these questions in the next few chapters.

Chapter 2