Chapter 11: Chastity vs. Harlots & Prudes

False Attraction Type I
False attraction is Romantic Attraction without Friendship Attraction.  It is the desire to give or to be given sexual privileges (either subtle or overt ones) without any intentions of commitment (Deal Breakers).  So when women wear next to nothing, what exactly are they saying about themselves?  “I give free privileges.  I don’t require any commitment from you.”  That is a harlot.  Harlots can exist in thoughts, words, and actions by degrees.  That means lower degrees of harlotry start with the way we think, and then progress in what we talk about, the way we dress, and the way we act.  A lot of times teen-age girls don’t even know what they are saying when they wear immodest clothing.  I didn't.  Regardless, boys interpret the message loud and clear.  So let’s just call this Harlot Attraction.  It can never last.  It is the stuff that will prevent real Sustainable Attraction from ever being tasted or developed.  It pales in its comparative power.  It’s a cheap here and now quick-fix substitute for the intensely sustainable sexual attraction that is attainable between a man and a woman in a Soulmates Marriage.  So ladies, let's get smart.  If we want our men to be totally and sustainably beautiful, hot, and attractive, we can't make creeps out of them by giving them freebies.  It is harlot behaviors that are making fat slugs out of the majority of them (KingNoah).  So get dressed and stay dressed. 

False Attraction Type II
There’s another kind of false attraction in marriage.  That is Friendship Attraction without Romantic Attraction.  It is the desire to keep all of our other marriage commitments but withhold or refuse to enjoy the sexual privileges.  I think the main reason for refusing to enjoy the privileges is a type of Prude mentality--thoughts, words, and actions that inhibit Attraction.  Us women get boxed into this place because we do not want to be a harlot.  The world portrays what should be completely sacred and private between a man and a woman on the big screen in full blown color and high def audio.  So OFFENSIVE to us who have covenanted our virtue and chastity to God and our spouse.  Sexual relations are of God, given to bind a married man and woman in Sustainable Attraction together (see The Family: A Proclamation to the World).  They are pure and holy, intense and private.  Showing it all on the big or little screen is what perverts it to become harlotry.  It should be between husband and wife, not everyone and their dog. 

When we women happen to get a glimpse of the harlot on the screen or in music, we see that she has similar desires, thoughts, words, and actions that we may have towards our spouse.  Because we LOATHE the harlot, we may get confused and loathe these desires and feelings in ourselves.  What a major offensive attack of the adversary on a Soulmates Marriage!!!  So we repress that part of us as much as is possible, right?  But the truth of the matter is, we can’t repress it.  It has to flow and flow in the right direction and to the right person.  It is God-given and beautiful and reserved for our Soulmate Husband.  The only way we can continue to repress it is by taking up substitute addictive behaviors like overeating, overspending, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or being a goody-two-shoes-in-everyone-else’s-business-over-the-top-do-gooder-thinking-we-have-to-rescue-everyone-else's-kids-bossing-everyone-around-you-know-what-I-mean-ladies-because-we-all-have-been-there (Martha).  Instead of turning to these Attraction Inhibitors, we must separate Chastity from the Harlot.  That’s not her.  We must also separate Chastity from the Prude.  That’s not her either.

Men have been affected by this attack as well.  Many men, especially Christian men, don’t want to admit that they have sexual desires because of the scores of bad creepy Harlot Attraction-Chasing role models on the screen, at work, in their high school growing up, and now all over the internet.  These "role models" ruin the desire to give appropriate expression to sexual attraction within the bonds of marriage.  They ruin it!  They make it seem like a man's sexuality is all selfish, natural man, lascivious, base, carnal, devilish, and one-sided.  They believe women don't really want a romantic sexual relationship and only participate in it to fulfill the man's needs.  That's false.  Many men try to inhibit their sexual desire by engaging in their own Prude thoughts, words, and activities.  

Unless we weed the Prude and Harlot mentalities out, refuse to watch, refuse to listen, refuse to look, get it out of us!, repent of what has already gotten into us, study what the real thing is, study Christ, and REPLACE IT WITH CHASTITY, Attraction to our spouse can never be sustainable. Christ is the MAN OF HOLINESS (Moses 7:35) and will train men how to look at this amazingly attractive quality in them in the right way, how to see their wives, how not to let Satan pervert it and them, how not to leave their wives high and dry, and how to be so incredibly beautiful in this sacred relationship with their wives.

Sexual attraction and its expression should not be engaged in privately without our spouse.  That’s not what I mean by private.  Husband and wife are private together.  They are one in that privacy.  The husband doesn’t go off and have his own private encounters with himself and porn images.  The wife doesn’t closet herself up with a steamy romance book and a slice of chocolate truffle cake with ganache filling.  That is not a privilege God has given them to have separately if they want a Soulmates Marriage.  It is actively and frequently to be had between two spouses who are extremely attracted to each other because both are keeping the Soulmates Marriage rules.  Reciprocity Attraction.  Chastity.  Intense and private sexuality within marriage.  

Listen:  "For Your Eyes Only" by Sheena Easton

If either partner does not want this kind of relationship with his/her spouse, they do not have a Soulmates Marriage yet.  Something's getting in the way of it.  Both need to be actively engaged in Marriage Counseling to learn how they can better keep the rules in order to be worthy of the Holy Spirit of Promise—that Sustainable Attraction--which makes this kind of relationship desirable.

A woman stuck in Prude Attraction Inhibitors can cause the man to deviate to Harlot Attraction (and vice versa).  The Prude Attraction Inhibitors leave him high and dry.  He’s married.  Let's assume he’s obeying the Soulmates rules with no Deal Breakers.  He’s attracted to his wife.  His wife may indeed be attracted to him but the Prude Attraction Inhibitors are fooling her and stifling her willingness to act upon it.  If she can’t separate the true and beautiful sexuality of her husband from these Harlot Attraction-Chasing men, she will be in need of re-education, retraining, and repentance.  This means it is very possible that what can trigger a woman to turn to Prude Attraction Inhibitors in the first place may not be her husband.  It may very well be the full blown color, hi def movies and music that portray her sexuality as a Harlot.  Even so, when a man encounters coldness from his wife, he will interpret it as a personal rejection.  He won't understand what's going on.  Not good.  When a man is rejected, he will be severely tempted to reject her back.  He may even be fooled into thinking his own sexuality has no beautiful appropriate place.  That means he will be severely tempted to find an inappropriate way to meet his needs or choose his own set of Prude Attraction Inhibitors. Yet it is true, because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that two wrongs don't make anything right.  Always go to your Savior when things aren't going your way.  Be allegiant to him in order to resolve the conflict.

When a man allows himself to be sucked into Harlot Attraction, he sides with Chastity's mortal enemy.  This enemy EXPLOITS the purity of her sexuality.  She hates that enemy (Moses 4:20-21)!   A wife bound to Chasity (not Prude Attraction Inhibitors) will hate her spouse if he joins it.  And if she doesn’t know he’s doing it, she will sense it anyway because the Holy Spirit of Promise will incrementally decrease while enmity towards him will incrementally increase over time and his non-repentance.  He will also treat her like a harlot. That is an unavoidable cause and effect relationship.  The husband may not sense this decrease because Harlot Attraction masks it in the beginning (2 Nephi 28:21-22). 

...yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever. ~ 2 Nephi 26:22.  

When Attraction fails over an extended period of time in a marriage, the usual case is that both of these inappropriate mentalities are happening at the same time between husband and wife, harlots, and prudes.  All together they form a black hole-like relationship.  If the wife turns to Prude Attraction Inhibitors while morphing into the harlot once a month to keep her husband "happy," this will only prolong the inappropriate relationship.  It is an unending feedback loop that will slowly but surely separate them from being able to obtain Sustainable Attraction together.  The relationship will end in sorrow unless at least one turns to Christ, finds out the real deal and repents.  Who’s going to repent first?  When the one repents and forgives, it should unlock the other one to repent and forgive.  This takes time to unravel because both the Prude and the Harlot Attraction devices are addictive.  Addiction is Satan’s signature work.  When a Soulmates husband and wife understand the rules of the game, how they are broken, and exactly how they are both being tempted to break them, they will both turn to fight their adversary instead of each other. 

Listen:  "Hymn for the Missing" by Red

Chapter 16: The Husband's Deal Breakers

"...they wandered off and were lost." ~1 Ne 8:23

So what do Deal Breakers do to this developing relationship between a Bridegroom and a Wise Virgin?  Say the going gets tough for whatever reason and the husband turns to pornography, other women, or to some other conflicting Marriage Counselor or influence to compensate instead of turning to his God.  He violates God’s rules not only for the marriage but also in general. God doesn’t want his sons (those who want to become Bridegrooms) turning to Harlots or other conflicting influences ever, whether married or unmarried.  Bottom line.  So when they do they separate themselves from him, the Holy Ghost, their wife, and any hope of obtaining a Soulmates Marriage.  They no longer hear that still small voice whispering the crucial guidance they need to identify the next steps in their life mission.  They may even lose sight of their mission all together.

“And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.” ~D&C 42:23

"Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly." ~Deuteronomy 7:3-4

"Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost." ~2 Nephi 28:31 

Conflicting influences that have readily-seen, here-and-now, up-front assets are very easily trusted when men deviate from the Soulmates Marriage Journey.  They will often listen to these instead of their Marriage Counselor Team and their wife.  So keep in mind that the husband’s life mission was also the wife’s.  If he consistently deviates, a wife who is a Wise Virgin cannot remain allegiant to him.  If he has taken up a conflicting mission, she will not be able to follow him and help him.  Often the result is that both flounder, feeling like their whole lives are in limbo, without a purpose.

To resolve, a Wise Virgin may need to take the lead as she turns to the Lord.  He will temporarily take over the Bridegroom position in the relationship.  This may keep the family on track but will do very little to build Romantic Attraction with her spouse.  However, it will build the Friendship Attraction if she Voluntarily forgives and her husband Voluntarily repents.  If he does not take this mercy in vain and works to get back on board, the marriage will only be strengthened in time.  The wife’s temporary mercy to allow the Savior to stand in her husband’s role for their marriage does not eliminate the need for her spouse to aggressively get back to fulfilling his God-given Bridegroom role as soon as possible.  If he does not, Romantic Attraction will fail even if Friendship Attraction is sustainable.  In essence, through his actions he chooses not to pursue a Soulmates Marriage with this specific woman.  He communicates that he is content with a Friendship with his wife.  Remember that in a marriage, this is Type II False Attraction--Friendship Attraction without Romantic Attraction.  He may still desire sexual relations but if he has not done the work to attract his wife so that she wants them too, which takes humility on his part, his desire will only repulse her.

A Wise Virgin will not continue to support and cleave unto her husband if he continually deviates from God and his life mission despite all efforts to say to him as Navi does, “Hey Listen!”  If he will see her attempt to reclaim him in pride and envy, repentance is not going to happen.  As noted earlier, if the husband deviates continually, he’s breaking the rules continually.  He’s unrepentant.  If that happens, he won’t have the Holy Ghost with him or be able to receive the Lord’s guidance for himself.  The Deal Breakers rob him of those desires.  Because a Virgin is “powered” by the Holy Ghost in regards to her husband, she won’t be able to confirm him, support him, or feel attracted to him.  Even if she doesn’t know about his behind-the-scenes deviation, God does know about it and will cut the man off incrementally both directly and through her if she is striving to listen to him.  This is done to warn him.  These things are always done out of mercy.  They are heads-up signals communicating to us that we do not want to continue on the Deal Breaker pathway we’re headed because we’re not going to like where we end up.

Chapter 18: The Wife's Deal Breakers

What do Deal Breakers do to a potential Wise Virgin who isn’t so wise and not so much of a virgin?  If she allows herself to be persuaded that her and her husband’s mission is not as valuable as some other mission the world is hyping, she may go join that “team.” (Isaiah 4:1).  She will devote herself to some other man and his mission or maybe even to multiple people and their missions.  A woman who yields to Deal Breakers allows herself to be governed by every wind of Attraction (Ephesians 4:14), whether it be Harlot Attraction or Prude Attraction Inhibitors, instead of Sustainable Attraction.  She separates herself not only from her husband but from God.  She is unable to echo the direction of the Holy Ghost for her family.  Unless her husband develops his ability to connect more directly with God, he may lose his focus on his God-given mission.  A wife's companionship was designed to be a tender mercy that increases a man's ability to stay steadfast.  Her support helps him know that his mission is valuable even when he falters and has to wade through temporary failures.  

Watch this movie! The woman William Wilberforce ends up marrying is an example of a Wise Virgin (minus the cleavage).  Amazing Grace

If a man remains a Bridegroom, resisting the temptation to turn to Deal Breakers, he prays and researches strategies with his Marriage Counselor to use to persuade his wife to return to him and their God-given mission.  If she will not, after being given plenty of time, he will be left alone without the tender mercies that God intended marriage to be for him (Matthew 8:20).  He will need another wife.

“...neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” ~ 1 Corinthians 11:11

The World is that portion of our society with values that conflict with God's.  It is loudly courting women to come away from their husbands and families to join the Harlots and Prudes.  It has set up a different standard from God's standard--a different game and different rules to play by.  In order to be of value in the World, a woman must set her heart on things such as showing her body and sexuality off, becoming rich, wearing designer clothes, owning and maintaining a showroom home, becoming a fast-paced business woman or a working mother--having both a career and a home of children to raise.  It's not that having to go out of the home to work in certain situations is a Deal Breaker.  It's not.  In fact many times, it is the personal counsel of God to do so.  It does us no good to judge whether or not a woman is following God's counsel in respect to her life.  We just need to focus on whether we are.  What makes being a fast-paced career mom a problem is when we set our value by such a standard.  We think staying home with our kids is a cop out and a less valuable thing to do.  In order to achieve status in our community and even to feel valuable within ourselves, we think we need to be out working and receiving the praises of the world.  After all, our quiet sacrifice at home goes relatively unseen.  It's a thankless job and it requires years of changing diapers, sweeping floors, doing the dishes, and working with little ones who aren't always the most fulfilling society.  It's one of those situations where we are losing our life but in the end we will find it.

Read:  "To the Mothers is Zion" by President Ezra T. Benson, February 22, 1987 

The Harlot mentality is about being attractive in general.  We want to see that many men, if not all, are attracted to us.  And we also want women to be jealous of us.  In fact, the goal is to become the most attractive woman out of all women.  How screwed up is that?  This is seen in so many movies, songs, and books.  We believe this is what it means to be valuable.  But this is a major Deal Breaker.  We don't even have to be a Harlot in deed.  If we have this mentality and don't strive to delete it, even if we never act upon it, we will create a total loss of Attraction in our marriage. 

I was raised with this mentality.  So for a while, without even understanding it, I did think I needed to be attractive to the general population of males in order to be of any worth.  I heard messages like, "Oh you look so pretty.  You'll break every boy's heart at the dance tonight."  Or listen to the lyrics of this song that was popular when I was a senior in high school.

"I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine so bright
I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance
They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance

"I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine so bright, you were amazing
I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side
And when you turned to me and smiled, it took my breath away
And I have never had such a feeling
Such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight"

~"Lady In Red" by Chris De Burgh

And this is just one example.  The message is deeply interwoven into the fabric of our society through what we say, what we read, what we watch, what we listen to, and how we are treated.  This is Harlot mentality.  If we are not actively taught differently, we will unconsciously seek after obtaining our value in this way.  This is a false game with false rules. 

The truth of the matter is this:  There is no reason for us to attract everyone and his dog.  That is not an accurate measure of our value.  If this is happening, it's a serious conflict for a woman because she must choose one man to develop a Soulmates Marriage with.  How the heck is she going to make a choice out of all those possibilities?  Every woman is her own kind of beautiful and is meant to uniquely attract and compliment a certain type of man.  There may be more than one man who fits into that category.  There usually are.  Therefore, if she will develop her relationship with God first to find out who she is, what she was designed to be, and then actually work to become that person, she will attract the type of man with whom she will find Sustainable Attraction and be able to make a solid decision between the available options.  If not, she will never be able to experience Attraction at the level she is satisfied.

"Moreover, the Lord saith: Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched-forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet—Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their secret parts. In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments, and cauls, and round tires like the moon; The chains and the bracelets, and the mufflers; The bonnets, and the ornaments of the legs, and the headbands, and the tablets, and the ear-rings; The rings, and nose jewels; The changeable suits of apparel, and the mantles, and the wimples, and the crisping-pins; The glasses, and the fine linen, and hoods, and the veils." ~2 Nephi 13:16-26

Chapter 19: Visualizing Our Destination

It’s important to visualize our final destination for our marriage.  We have described a Soulmates Marriage as:

A covenant relationship between a man and a woman and God (Marriage Counselor and his team) in which the spouses progressively journey together to obtain the degree of Sustainable Attraction with which both are satisfied.  Sustainable Attraction is the continuous dynamically balanced combination of friendship and romance between husband and wife.

We have said that Romantic Attraction remains sustainable if both spouses choose to exchange Chastity thoughts, words, and actions with each other for mutual benefit, especially privileges granted by one person to another, while avoiding Deal Breakers.  Romantic and Friendship Attraction combined with God’s approval—the Holy Spirit of Promise--create the Forcefield that encircles and protects not only the husband and wife but also their children.  It renders temptation and adversity ineffective.  They cease having the power to destroy and instead only accelerate the purification and growth of both husband and wife and their relationship.

Avoiding Deal Breakers is avoiding being drawn in by Harlot Attraction or Prude Attraction Inhibitors.  Soulmates do not involve themselves with fornication, pornography, or anything that even approaches it.

Neither do they busy themselves with less important activities or mindsets that leave very little room for sustaining their Friendship and Romance.  They don’t try to ignore, shut down, or numb their inherent sexual desire for each other.  They humbly acknowledge their constant need for the other because this is the way God created them to be.  In doing this they both retain their desire to be sacredly and sexually intimate at a similar frequency and intensity.  It’s just a total “pocketful of sunshine” for both.

Above art by James Christensen “Poofy Guy on a Short Leash"

Listen:  "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingham
 

In a Soulmates Marriage both spouses choose to exercise their faith in their Marriage Counselor when the going gets tough.  When the winds and storms of temptation or adversity assail them, they choose to remain steadfast in their commitment to God and to each other. 

Listen:  "How Firm a Foundation" by Paul Cardall

If they make mistakes by yielding to Deal Breakers, they do not keep making the same ones over and over but repent of them as quickly and as effectively as possible.  This often requires the help of other members of the Marriage Counselor Team, given the virulence of the “infection.” Soulmates choose to be honest with each other, to forgive their spouse, and to endure periods of sacrifice when the other spouse is unable to keep his/her commitment in order for true repentance to occur.

Listen to this song about repenting:  "Go Back" by Sweethaven

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." ~Luke 8:17

They avoid evaluating each other and their Marriage Counselor Team with pride or envy.  They refuse to harbor competitive thoughts against them.  Instead they choose to develop and use characteristics of their Marriage Counselor such as humility, gratitude, confidence, and empathy.  In this way they become more like Christ.  They are powerful sources of light and love in their own circle of influence.

See blog post, "It All Starts with Humility"

Both spouses stand steadfast in their God-given mission—the one that each feels intensely passionate about to the core.  They are dedicated to making whatever sacrifice God requires of them to fulfill this mission.  They don’t allow themselves to get side-tracked with other missions that the World may value but that only serve as distractions to them.  Because both do this they are a powerful force in bringing to fruition much good in the lives of their own children and others within their circle of influence.  In being such, they are members of the Marriage Counselor team for them.

“And all nations shall call you blessed, for ye shall be a delightsome land, saith the Lord of Hosts.” ~3 Nephi 24:12

That is a Soulmates Marriage.  Now the questions are:  Do you want it?  Does your spouse want it?  Are you both willing to keep the rules to obtain it?