In the midst of our graceful Soulmates Marriage Dance it never fails that one spouse or the other starts Rock’n Rolling. This can add fun, excitement, challenge, and even romance to the marriage but when it goes overboard, it can ruin a marriage.
There are many factors that cause the rocking and rolling but all of them can probably be categorized under the heading of Adversity and Temptation.
Adversity pushes us to sacrifice more Energy than what we’re receiving. We have too little Peace for how much stress we’re enduring. When the going gets tough, the spouse in need is more likely to resort to a Demanding attitude as opposed to remaining Hopeful (see Chapter 40). Since life is all about Rock’n Rolling Adversity—the kids, the job, the in-laws, sickness and death, natural disasters, society’s conflicting Values, financial troubles, etc., it doesn’t make sense to say, “I can only keep my balance when nothing is Rock’n Rolling.”
The Purpose of Adversity
With a sufficient enough Forcefield, Adversity only serves to strengthen a husband and wife’s relationship if they choose to face it together instead of turning on each other. If we do not have a sufficient enough Forcefield around our marriage, Adversity can overcome us. It has the potential to push us so far out of balance that we lose control. That’s when the fun of Rock'n Roll dancing isn’t so fun anymore.
When our chosen Religion does not teach us Values that are strong enough to sustain our Forcefield against overwhelming Adversity, we will find ourselves losing in our battle against it. The very lack of progression in our Religion and the lower level Values that we presently live by can leave us exposed to too much external Rock'n Roll. God intended Adversity to serve as the resistance against which we develop stronger faith in Christ and stronger bonds of love. If our Values and thus our Forcefield can’t reduce its impact enough, that’s a sign that we need to hike further up into the mountain.
“...for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.” ~Matthew 5:45
When we have a strong Forcefield in our marriage the sunshine and rain only cause it to grow stronger. When our Forcefield is weak, the sunshine and rain cause it to get even weaker.
“And
the Lord God said unto me: They shall be a scourge unto thy seed, to
stir them up in remembrance of me; and inasmuch as they will not
remember me, and hearken unto my words, they shall scourge them even
unto destruction.” ~2 Nephi 5:25
Adversity becomes a scourge to us if we are not obeying the Soulmates Marriage rules. This scourging is intended to warn us that we're getting off track. It motivates us to learn more about what those rules are and then to continuously keep them.
“Therefore
whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken
him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain
descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that
house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. And every one
that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened
unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain
descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that
house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.” ~Matt 7:24-27
Temptation
Yielding to temptation causes too little Rock'n Roll in marriage. It gives us too much
Peace for how little is being sacrificed.
We partake of things that make the going too easy in the moment but in
the end leave us with weakened faith, a weakened ability to sacrifice, and thus
a weakened Forcefield.
This leaves
us bored and apathetic about our marriage.
It kills the Hope. Without
sacrificing in some measure of Adversity our Forcefields cannot be
strengthened and our marriage becomes stagnant. Misusing drugs, alcohol, food, material goods, money, sexual relations, or any person or thing to which we turn to numb us against the discomfort, pain, and sorrow that Adversity causes end up killing our motivation to resolve the real challenges in marriage.
The Atonement of Jesus Christ
Adversity and Temptation affect us directly and cause us to
become imbalanced but they also affect us indirectly through our spouse. When one spouse becomes imbalanced as a
result of these factors, it is very difficult for the other to maintain
balance. The only way the other can regain and stay balanced is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
The cool thing about entering into a Soulmates Marriage is
that there is a member of our Soulmates Marriage Team who stands in the position
of Redeemer. If we remain true to our
marriage commitments and to our commitments to God, while our spouse is off-balance, our Redeemer promises to recompense us with his Peace and Energy to
maintain our Forcefield through his Atoning Sacrifice. If we stay balanced in the dance, we assist
our spouse in rebalancing more than if we responded with imbalance.
In the following diagram, the wife is on the left and is represented as maintaining her balance in faith and sacrifice. Her husband is represented as being imbalanced by the gray arrows. Because of Jesus Christ whose role is represented by the yellow balanced arrows on the right, the wife can depend upon him for Peace and Energy when her husband is out of balance. This prevents the whole relationship from crashing and burning at the first sign of too much Rock'n Roll. It gives it more time and a chance to repair. The hope is that because the wife stays in balance through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the husband can better regain his. When we turn to Christ when the going gets tough in our relationships instead of Deal Breakers, we contribute to the prevention of a continuous and progressively worse imbalanced marriage relationship.
Personal Example
I have explained in a few previous Personal Examples about my past inability to maintain my balance in the face of Adversity. When the kids started coming, the Adversity that accompanied these naturally imbalanced relationships overcame me. It pushed me so hard that the Rock’n Roll dancing I was forced to keep up with returned more stress than Joy for me (see blog post “It’s My Party”). I could see I was being tossed this way and that by a discord of emotion.
When my kids were rocking one way, I’d follow. When they were rolling the other way, I’d go right along with them. I had no foundation or root inside me to prevent myself from emotionally floundering all over the place. Yes, I went to church. Yes, I read my scriptures. Yes, I prayed. I did these things consistently. But somehow I was missing how Gospel truths actually applied to my specific situation.
In hindsight, I can see that I hadn’t yet learned the higher level Values that would give me enough power to sustain my balance in the face of that much Adversity. I hadn’t yet learned how to apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ to the difficult situations I found myself in daily. As a child, when I demonstrated imbalanced behaviors ignorantly (or otherwise) I was abused instead of patiently instructed. When I needed Peace, oftentimes I was left to myself (and that’s when my relationship with treats started).
I had skills but they were not enough for me to maintain my balance. So, when it came time to discipline, love, and empathize with my own kids I found I had too little strength, knowledge, and understanding of how to parent in me. My ability to sacrifice was too weak. In consequence, I lost the Spirit—that Peace that our Savior gives us.
Now, this might seem unfair of Him because I was partially ignorant as to what to do but how else was he going to personally train me in his higher level Values now that I had become an adult and a mother to some of his children? No other person was able to get through to me. It's not that I wasn't listening and reaching out for help. I was, but the help offered was insufficient. I needed to find balance in the dance. There was too much rocking and rolling that caused a residual feeling of fear and depression in regards to my role as a mother. I had to either learn the higher level dance steps or go back down to the lower level dances by reducing my responsibilities. And once I had kids, I would not farm them out to daycare while I went off and did something else. I had no other option but to conquer this.
The reason this learning process was so hard for me was that I didn’t know what was going on! I didn’t know I had upped my dance level and what that meant I would have to do. I was in the dark so when I separated myself from our Savior’s Peace, I was exposed to the adversary’s judgments, which I listened to in earnest.
“You are a terrible mother. Why can’t you get this right? You thought you would be a blessing to your kids because of your willingness to stay home with them but now look at you. You’re more of a curse to them. You will never amount to anything. You just don’t have it in you.”
I believed those voices in my head because they seemed accurate. I didn’t have it in me and had no idea learning higher-level Values would actually help me. I thought I already understood the Gospel well enough. I thought I had already reached the pinnacle of knowledge in my scripture studies and it just wasn’t enough.
But since then I have come to understand the truth of the matter like this: If Adversity is becoming so overwhelming that I can’t sustain my balance, there is a higher-level Value that exists and can be known, learned, and applied to decrease that rocking and rolling to a manageable, challenging, and enjoyable level. That is my faith, my experience, and my testimony.
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." ~Matthew 11:28-30
"You'll learn things you never knew you never knew."
Listen: "Colors of the Wind" from the Disney Pocahontas movie, sung by Judy Kuhn
That is a Soulmates Marriage. Now the questions are: Do you want it? Does your spouse want it? Are you both willing to keep the rules to obtain it?
