Chapter 9: Exceptions to the Rule

We should not consider divorce as an option.  Not considering it requires a leap of faith if attraction has waned in our marriage.  But our commitment is to follow the general rules of trying to make it work with voluntary sacrifice and hope in our Savior Jesus Christ, while we pay attention to the personal guidance of the Holy Ghost to know where to serve and where to withhold service.  We don’t want to entertain thoughts, talk about, or behave like our marriage is an exception to the rule.  We obey the general laws of God.  We assume we need to stay married and work it out.  We don’t hope to be an exception to the rule because that’s the harder pathway. 

We do this because regardless of whether our marriage with our specific spouse is going to work out or not, we should actively behave as the spouse we want to be for the spouse we want to be married to.  This is having faith in things which are true but as yet are unseen (Alma 32:21).  In faith we allow our Marriage Counselor to retrain and rebuild us, remaking us into a Soulmate who has the capacity to develop a Soulmates Marriage with the spouse we want to be with for eternity.  In faith we wait for him to engage in the same process with our spouse.

Bible Story:  Ruth
Ruth's husband dies.  The Law of Moses stated that if a woman's husband dies, his nearest kinsman can/should marry her to "to raise up the name of the dead upon his inheritance" (Ruth 4:5).  I know this is strange to us moderns, but I liken it to relationship truths and see the law of mercy in it.  

Back Story:  Naomi is married to Elimelech.  They have two sons.  Because of a famine in Bethlehem they move to Moab.  In Moab their two sons marry two Moabitish women.  One of these is Ruth.  Over time Elimelech passes away.  Ruth's husband passes away along with his brother when they are still relatively young.  Naomi and her two daughters in law are left to fend for themselves.  She hears that the famine has abated in Bethlehem and so determines to move back there.  Ruth stays with Naomi but the other daughter goes back to her own people.  After arriving in Bethlehem in much sorrow and grief because of the deaths of their husbands, Ruth and Naomi are poor so Ruth goes out to be a gleaner.  This is someone who gleans along the edges of people's grain fields, which is another merciful law in the Law of Moses.  Ruth happens to glean in a field that belongs to Boaz, who "is a kinsman of [Naomi's] husband, a mighty man of wealth."  When he comes to the field and sees Ruth working there, he tells her in so many words that it is his desire to care for her.  He wants her to stay in his fields and not think she has to go find food anywhere else.  She is so thankful for this care and stays in his fields.  As time goes by, Naomi wants to seek "rest" for Ruth.  Ruth has no husband.  She works all day.  I assume she's dealing with a lot of loneliness because of that.  She has the natural desire for a close friendship and romance with a man.  Naomi knows that marriage with a good man--the right, lawful man--is what Ruth needs.  So she instructs Ruth to petition Boaz, who is that lawful kinsman, for marriage.  She does.  This is Boaz' response: 

“And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman.  And now it is true that I am thy near kinsman: howbeit there is a kinsman nearer than I.  Tarry this night, and it shall be in the morning, that if he will perform unto thee the part of a kinsman, well; let him do the kinsman’s part: but if he will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then will I do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the Lord liveth: lie down until the morning.” ~Ruth 3:11-13

Boaz then finds the nearest kinsman, who upon being informed of the opportunity to redeem Ruth as his wife with all of the attendant privileges and responsibilities, declines.  So Boaz ends up marrying Ruth himself (Ruth 4).

Read the story of Ruth if you are having marriage troubles and striving with everything you know to have faith in Jesus Christ and repent of your sins (thou art a virtuous woman).  Liken yourself to Ruth.  Liken your spouse to a combination of Ruth’s husband and the nearest kinsman.  Liken her husband's death to addiction to Deal Breakers.  Liken the Lord and his plan for you to Boaz, the next nearest kinsman.  He will work with your spouse to invite him to develop the skills to “perform unto thee the part of a kinsman” or the part of a Soulmate.  Increase the time frame for this part of the story to several years.  If your spouse “will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then [the Lord] will do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the Lord liveth.” He will provide another for you.  You will be redeemed.

Forgiveness
Forgiveness is also a part of faith and repentance.  If we want to be forgiven for our mistakes, we need to forgive our spouse.  If he’s not coming along immediately, we give it time by turning in faith to our Marriage Counselor for support (Boaz).  He sustains us while he works with our spouse in his own repentance process.  This gets pretty hard.  If we are continuing on the journey, learning the more advanced levels of sacrifice and our spouse is not, it is hard to have to be the one who is sacrificing more for the marriage. 

Being ahead of our spouse on the journey means that we sacrifice at a higher level than he does. We’re repenting more often and reaching for higher level Soulmates skills.  That’s what it means to be closer to God (see "What Lack I Yet" by Elder Larry R Lawrence).  But there’s very little glory in this, at least at present because if it’s the real kind of sacrifice, we commit to being the servant in the relationship as Christ directed, not a superior queen that goes first and has everyone serving her.  We know more so we’re accountable for more.

"But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many." ~Mark 10:42-45 

Listen:  Because I Have Been Given Much

So do you see this balance that needs to be kept between both spouses?  If one spouse sits down by the side of the road in the Soulmates Journey and ceases developing his relationship with God for whatever reason and the second presses onward, the second will develop the capacity to sacrifice at a higher level than the first.  And there goes that balance!  We can’t demand that the other sacrifice for us.  We can ask for our needs, discuss them with him but then we have to leave that in his hands.  Our main concern should be sacrificing for him, taking care of his needs.  That makes it Paradoxical.  When sacrifice is forced, it ceases being about love so even while we’re acting as the servant in the relationship we can’t entertain thoughts like, “Might as well be his slave.”  It has to be done voluntarily and with faith in Christ.

And this gets tricky when it appears on the outside that he is sacrificing enough by doing so many nice things for us when behind the scenes he is engaged in Deal Breakers that we have no idea about.  It makes us think, “Well what’s wrong with me?  Why is this relationship such a heavy burden for me to carry?”  It makes us think like we’re the jerk and incapable of loving.  This is when we’re not even aware that we need to be the one forgiving because we have no idea what we need to forgive him for.  It is very unfortunate if this goes on for years.  And if we’re the one constantly repenting over a considerable period of time and our spouse is going no where because of the hidden Deal Breakers, what’s going to happen to our relationship?

Even if this is going on we shouldn’t speak ill of our spouse to others.  We need to take the hit if others know our marriage isn’t going so well.  Speaking ill of him will cause us to defect to the Survival of the Fittest Team to protect ourselves.  It’s very difficult, but we need to stay true to Paradoxical Strategies so God can protect us from the subtle or overt persecution of others (and our own thoughts).  This requires us to exercise even greater faith to serve those people voluntarily without a grudge.  We not only sacrifice for our spouse but for those people too.  We take his hits and theirs.  Might as well throw another dozen on our back.  What the heck!  We resolve to constructively talk only to our Marriage Counselor about the things that are bothering us.  If we don’t do this we’ll never make it through these trials to obtaining a Soulmates Marriage.

Many of us take for granted that our spouse committed to marry us years ago.  We think, “He committed to me and if he divorces me, he’s breaking that commitment to me and God.  He’s too devoted to God to ever break as serious a commitment as this one.  If he does he won’t be showing mercy and unconditional love to me and that's not right.  I don’t have to do anything to attract him and make this easier on him.  I can do whatever I want, say anything I want, eat whatever I want, be whatever I want, be with whomever I want.”  Is that love?  I don’t think so.  We can say goodbye to attraction if this is our mentality.  

When we try to manipulate or guilt our spouse into showing us mercy while we continue to break our commitment to him, it is like taking the Lord's name in vain. We need to review what Exodus 20:7 says: "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain."

Instead of manipulation, we need to seek anew to Paradoxically win our spouse's love, admiration, attraction, and respect. The best way to do this is to develop our communication relationship with our Marriage Counselor and allow him to help us overcome our Deal Breaker habits that require our spouse to carry a heavier burden than he can handle.  Our Marriage Counselor can also tell us about the specific things we can do to attract our spouse. 

Divorce
I have frequently heard divorce talked about as a sin.  But it is sin that causes the divorce.  Fornication is sin.  The Deal Breakers are the sin.  Engaging in these processes REPEATEDLY without repentance (without admitting it, stopping it, apologizing, going to the appropriate priesthood authorities if necessary, making restitution and recommitting) is the sin that, if continuous, causes a marriage to cease being what God designed it to be.  It causes it to become more like bondage than bonds of love.  We all mess up. We all have issues. We all have baggage, bad habits, addictions, a lack of Soulmates skills, stuff we need to resolve.  But if we don’t proactively repent of them through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can cause the decrease or total loss of attraction in our marriage. 

"And behold, when that time cometh, none shall be found blameless before God, except it be little children, only through repentance and faith on the name of the Lord God Omnipotent." ~Mosiah 3:21

Caution, Caution, Caution
We need to repent but we don’t want to overdo that. It is not correct to think that we need to repent for the good things we do and say and are.  We can overdo this mentality if we think all the marriage problems are caused by our mistakes. That is Toxic Shame. In Toxic Shame we may believe that it’s not fair for our spouse to carry any of our burdens. But that is so imbalanced.  That’s taking this whole thing too far. There is a balance in all things and the wise person looks for it. If we try to change too fast or take too much upon us, it’s all going to backfire. We give our honest effort, allow our spouse to give his, carry the burdens we have, whatever they are, and focus on the guidance of our Marriage Counselor. When it’s time to grow, he will let us know. We’ll have the desire for deeper attraction. We’ll be getting bored with life. We’ll need to learn more advanced Soulmates Marriage strategies. 

We seek to repent because we love, not because we are afraid of people finding out. I think real love and Sustainable Attraction are the same thing. How can these be sustainable unless we voluntarily sacrifice, not out of force, not out of self-deprecating-toxic-shame, but out of sincere love and the hope for a Soulmates Marriage.

Even if our spouse is engaging in Deal Breakers, we take the higher road and depend on Jesus Christ, not on our own Deal Breakers.  That is the key!  Because of him, no matter what our spouse does or withholds from us, our agency remains our own in how we will respond. We can't turn to Deal Breakers just because he is.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." ~Viktor E. Frankl

There’s just no time while we remain upon this earth when we can say we’re done exercising our faith and repenting. That’s our responsibility. We need to own up to our own mistakes and sins which will continue to happen throughout the entire Soulmates Journey regardless of how much or how little our spouse is making mistakes. Conversely we need to stand steadfast in our Marriage Counselor’s laws. If we’re living them and being persecuted for doing so, oh well.  This is where we stand (see Martin Luther). When we have that attitude and live by it, we can see clearly and hear God’s direction for us (Motes&Beams).

Listen:  "Guilty" by Newsboys

Chapter 13: The Mountain

Since life’s journey is often thought of as climbing a mountain, it makes sense that the Soulmates Journey would also take place upon that mountain.  When we speak of learning advanced Soulmates strategies, we’re talking about an incremental upward progression. Because we have chosen God as our Marriage Counselor, husband and wife are climbing the mountain of the Lord together (3 Nephi 11:21-27).  We are here on earth to progress to become like him.  As both spouses climb higher, they become more like the Lord. Or we can think of it as becoming more like our Heavenly Father and his Wife.

“And it shall come to pass in the last days, that the mountain of the Lord’s house shall be established in the top of the mountains, and shall be exalted above the hills; and all nations shall flow unto it.” ~Isaiah 2:2

"Life can be like hikers ascending a steep and arduous trail." ~Elder M. Russell Ballard

There are various levels or degrees on a mountain.  In our relationship with the Lord and with our spouse, we progress through these degrees as each of us individually learns to obtain desires and resolve conflicts the way the Lord does.  When both spouses incrementally learn his advanced Soulmates Marriage strategies, we not only ascend but we also meet our spouse in the middle.  We get along better.  We rarely fight.  When we do, forgiveness and repentance happen more swiftly.  We develop top quality relationship skills.

Where each couple stops on that upward climb is a matter of agency as well as destiny.  The higher levels require both spouses to sacrifice more for each other.  The greater the sacrifice, the more intensely each will experience Sustainable Attraction towards each other.  This basically means they will need each other and so rely on each other more than anything or anyone else, other than God.  We’re putting all of our eggs in one basket.  

Listen: "(Everything I do) I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams

Some people are scared of this kind of relationship.  If the basket falls, all the eggs will be broken.  I hear them singing about this fear in other love songs.  

"We're heading for something.  Somewhere I've never been.  Sometimes I am frightened but I'm ready to learn of the power of love." ~"The Power of Love" by Air Supply

This kind of relationship is deep and requires intense faith as well as intense faithfulness.  It requires both individuals to hike high up into the mountain.  At the same time we can say that they are going deep inside the mountain as they become physically and spiritually one with each other.

"Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." ~Matthew 19:6

The wider levels require less of a sacrifice towards one person.  There are others involved in the relationship.  Spouses don’t just rely on each other but also on other family members and friends, who in turn rely upon them.  When these relationships are ordained by God, they are sustainable.  Attraction towards our spouse at these wider levels is less intense.  This basically means that we can rely on a number of people throughout our journey and throughout eternity.  We divide our eggs up between a few different baskets.  If someone drops the basket, not all the eggs will be broken.  This kind of relationship requires all involved to settle in the same locality on the mountain.  All involved go wide instead of going deep.

We decide how high or wide we want to climb by how satisfied we are with the intensity of Sustainable Attraction we experience within our marriage.  Most of us lie somewhere in the middle of going deep and going wide.  This is how we identify our destiny—the destination to which we said we wanted to travel during our sojourn here on earth.

It is not necessary to climb to the highest peak on the mountain to obtain a Soulmates Marriage.  But it is necessary to desire to climb to a similar level as our spouse.  If one desires to go much higher and deeper than the other, Attraction will fail over time.  This is a kind of Deal Breaker, not with God but with our spouse.

Personal Story
This is the Deal Breaker I am accountable for in my marriage.  Looking back I see there were two reasons for it.  First of all, I didn't yet understand all these things I'm talking about now.  I was blind to them.  But I felt them.  I sensed the mountain and my own need to climb it if I ever wanted to find balance in myself.  For whatever reason I could not find that balance "in the valley" or at lower levels of the mountain.  That meant that the Forcefield was not fully functional so I was extremely vulnerable to adversity.  I felt like I was in the middle of a storm all the time yet the storm was mainly inside of me.  

"O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires." ~Isaiah 54:11

The higher I climbed, the more the storms abated.  

The second reason is that I thought the goal for everyone was to climb as high as possible on the mountain.  That became my own mission.  I wanted to understand it all and I wanted to live what I understood.  I needed and wanted to put all of my eggs in one basket.  I did not and even could not rely on multiple sources for my own balance.  I had been living that way for years and it wasn't working.  In short, I wanted to become like Christ.  But everyone defines that so differently because they all see Christ so differently.  I hear such different descriptions of him from so many different sources.  And I think it's supposed to be that way.  What we come to believe Christ is defines who we are because we see him as a representation of the best any human being can become.  So however we come to understand what he is, is what we will aim to become. Yet we know that he exists independent of our personal definitions of him.  That means some of us will be more accurate than others. For my part, I wasn't interested in proving myself to anyone other than God or manipulating the truth to prove I was seeing him more accurately than others were.  I didn't want to play that game. I just wanted to get it right--get him right.  I really wanted to know who he was and how he lived and died the way he did because he was so amazingly beautiful.  I wanted to learn from him and repent for everything I possibly could so I could become that beautiful too.  So this is how I broke the deal with my husband.  I desired to climb higher rather than wider while he desired to go wider instead of climbing as high.  He didn't want all of his eggs to be in one basket.  Over time the distance between us became too much to sustain attraction.

The Mountain of the Lord and thus a Soulmates Marriage can also be compared to Alma’s planting and nourishing of a seed until it grows up to become a large fruit-bearing tree Alma 32:28-43. Even if we want to climb to a sub-peak on the mountain, we can consider that to be our peak of the mountain.  It is our final destination.  Alma 32:42-43 describes what this destination looks like:  

“And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.  Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.”

It's not a competition between marriages or even between spouses.  It has nothing to do with that.  But it is imperative that the spouses are balanced with one another on the mountain for a Soulmates Marriage to be obtained.

Chapter 14: The Bridegroom

The male counterpart of a Soulmates Marriage is like the Bridegroom spoken of in the scriptures.  This is the end goal for the husband.  It’s the highest height.  Not all husbands will want to become a Bridegroom because the way is too narrow.  The rules are too strict.  But thanks to our Savior, there are various levels of Bridegrooms.  Yet there are limits even for these wider levels.  Mercy extends only so far.  Past that point relationships will not remain sustainable. 

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.  And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.  They that were foolish took their lamps [Natural Beginning Attraction], and took no oil with them [Sustainable Attraction]:

But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.  While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.  And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.

And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.  Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.  But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.  Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh. ~Matthew 25:1-13

This parable is talking about our Savior and his second coming.  He is often likened to the Bridegroom and all of his followers are likened to the ten virgins.  But let's take a closer look at the symbol of the Bridegroom and how it can apply to men who want a Soulmates Marriage.

Listen:  “Just Once” by James Ingram

The Bridegroom has a specific God-given mission to accomplish in this life.  He is steadfast in seeking to identify the incremental steps of this mission throughout his entire life.  He resists being side-tracked by conflicting influences.  This is difficult because he cannot see God with his physical eyes or hear him with his physical ears (Mark 4:23).  If he doesn’t make time to pray and listen, he may miss the guidance (BrotherOfJared or Laman&Lemuel).  The voices of the world are so loud and often stand as conflicting influences instead of members of our Soulmates Marriage Counselor Team.  He has to be out in the work force to make a living for his family where there are so many distractions.  But the Bridegroom’s goal is to become what God has intended him to become despite all of the world’s noise.

Listen:  "Diamond" by Brandon Heath

“I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.” ~John 5:30

“Jesus saith unto them, My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work.” ~John 4:34

“I receive not honour from men.” ~John 5:41

Let me just note here that a Bridegroom and his wife spending down time together is not enough to develop a Soulmates Marriage.  They need to work on their God-given mission together.  They need to see everything they do as a means to fulfill it.  They cannot think that they are living for vacations and time outs.  The mission needs to be the reason for all that they do. Vacations and time outs are merciful spaces in time to catch our breath and rest but they are not meant to be the goal.  If we set our hearts on them the relationship will dwindle.  Those things are not sustainable.  This life is the time to prepare to meet God (Alma 34:32).  We are on a journey and yes there needs to be joy in it but too much rest and relaxation away from our life mission does not produce joy.  It is too much peace and not enough energy.  That is the most boring thing in this entire universe.  

"For the Son of man is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave authority to his servants, and to every man his work, and commanded the porter to watch. Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning: Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping.  And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch." ~Mark 13:34-37 

A Bridegroom also accepts and honors a kind of sub-Lord position under God towards his wife and children.  

"Then began he to speak to the people this parable; A certain man planted a vineyard, and let it forth to husbandmen, and went into a far country for a long time." ~Luke 20:9

In speaking of this we all need to remember what a Lord is as Christ defines and demonstrates him.  Note the previous scriptures where he describes the source of his motivation for starters.  He's one who serves first and waits for his own immediate needs to be fulfilled.  He’s not someone like King Noah or any of the wicked monarchs in history.  A Bridegroom is someone like Adam, Noah (the good one), Moses, Nephi, King Benjamin, Alma, Captain Moroni, Joseph Smith, and Jesus Christ, himself.  He’s a righteous leader and is so because he studies those righteous leaders of the past, especially Jesus Christ, to evaluate and then implement how they obtain their desires and resolve their conflicts.  

Standing in this position towards his wife and children, a Bridegroom helps them resolve their conflicts and obtain their desires as if he were the Lord’s emissary.  Indeed he is the Lord’s emissary for them.  He is a type and a shadow of him (Mosiah 3:15; D&C 1:38).  In essence he helps his family develop the general Soulmates Attributes of faith and repentance.  He fulfills his part in strengthening the family Forcefield.  That means he strives to consistently stay in a position where he can hear the Lord’s counsel in regards to his wife and children, refraining from going to Deal Breakers or conflicting influences.  So if any of them have issues, he is able to help resolve them. Because he consistently does this, his wife will completely and utterly fall in love with him over and over again as he becomes her knight in shining armor, the one that rescues her from her dragons and cold towers.  A Bridegroom doesn't want to leave this job to the Lord alone.  He doesn't want to give his wife to the Lord and ask him to fix her.  He wants to be apart of that journey.  He wants the Lord to teach him what he needs to know to help his wife because it is through this process that her heart will become sealed to him for time and all eternity.

"God left the world unfinished for man to work his skill upon. He left the electricity in the cloud, the oil in the earth. He left the rivers unbridged and the forests unfelled and the cities unbuilt. God gives to man the challenge of raw materials, not the ease of finished things. He leaves the pictures unpainted and the music unsung and the problems unsolved, that man might know the joys and glories of creation." ~President Thomas S. Monson, "In Quest of the Abundant Life," March 1988 Ensign

Listen:  "Waterloo" by Abba

"Lead Kindly Light" by Simon Dewy

To become a Bridegroom is the Soulmate Journey for the husband.  It is a work in progress.  Thanks to our Marriage Counselor, a man not only has a guide but a Savior and Redeemer who, given time and space, will make of him something he could not make of himself alone (Isaiah 61:10).

Listen:  “He Showed Me How” by David Archuletta

See Blog posts:  “Behold the Man” & “Jesus Christ”

When a man strives to become a Bridegroom, he won’t be perfect in the beginning but with his consistent steadfastness in the Lord and repentance for choices that deviate from him, he will powerfully attract his wife to him.  She will be attracted to him for time and all eternity from her very core.  While the Holy Spirit of Promise is grace, these Bridegroom actions are the works. “...for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (2 Nephi 25:23).  Grace and works intertwine and weave together to create Sustainable Attraction.

Chapter 16: The Husband's Deal Breakers

"...they wandered off and were lost." ~1 Ne 8:23

So what do Deal Breakers do to this developing relationship between a Bridegroom and a Wise Virgin?  Say the going gets tough for whatever reason and the husband turns to pornography, other women, or to some other conflicting Marriage Counselor or influence to compensate instead of turning to his God.  He violates God’s rules not only for the marriage but also in general. God doesn’t want his sons (those who want to become Bridegrooms) turning to Harlots or other conflicting influences ever, whether married or unmarried.  Bottom line.  So when they do they separate themselves from him, the Holy Ghost, their wife, and any hope of obtaining a Soulmates Marriage.  They no longer hear that still small voice whispering the crucial guidance they need to identify the next steps in their life mission.  They may even lose sight of their mission all together.

“And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.” ~D&C 42:23

"Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly." ~Deuteronomy 7:3-4

"Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost." ~2 Nephi 28:31 

Conflicting influences that have readily-seen, here-and-now, up-front assets are very easily trusted when men deviate from the Soulmates Marriage Journey.  They will often listen to these instead of their Marriage Counselor Team and their wife.  So keep in mind that the husband’s life mission was also the wife’s.  If he consistently deviates, a wife who is a Wise Virgin cannot remain allegiant to him.  If he has taken up a conflicting mission, she will not be able to follow him and help him.  Often the result is that both flounder, feeling like their whole lives are in limbo, without a purpose.

To resolve, a Wise Virgin may need to take the lead as she turns to the Lord.  He will temporarily take over the Bridegroom position in the relationship.  This may keep the family on track but will do very little to build Romantic Attraction with her spouse.  However, it will build the Friendship Attraction if she Voluntarily forgives and her husband Voluntarily repents.  If he does not take this mercy in vain and works to get back on board, the marriage will only be strengthened in time.  The wife’s temporary mercy to allow the Savior to stand in her husband’s role for their marriage does not eliminate the need for her spouse to aggressively get back to fulfilling his God-given Bridegroom role as soon as possible.  If he does not, Romantic Attraction will fail even if Friendship Attraction is sustainable.  In essence, through his actions he chooses not to pursue a Soulmates Marriage with this specific woman.  He communicates that he is content with a Friendship with his wife.  Remember that in a marriage, this is Type II False Attraction--Friendship Attraction without Romantic Attraction.  He may still desire sexual relations but if he has not done the work to attract his wife so that she wants them too, which takes humility on his part, his desire will only repulse her.

A Wise Virgin will not continue to support and cleave unto her husband if he continually deviates from God and his life mission despite all efforts to say to him as Navi does, “Hey Listen!”  If he will see her attempt to reclaim him in pride and envy, repentance is not going to happen.  As noted earlier, if the husband deviates continually, he’s breaking the rules continually.  He’s unrepentant.  If that happens, he won’t have the Holy Ghost with him or be able to receive the Lord’s guidance for himself.  The Deal Breakers rob him of those desires.  Because a Virgin is “powered” by the Holy Ghost in regards to her husband, she won’t be able to confirm him, support him, or feel attracted to him.  Even if she doesn’t know about his behind-the-scenes deviation, God does know about it and will cut the man off incrementally both directly and through her if she is striving to listen to him.  This is done to warn him.  These things are always done out of mercy.  They are heads-up signals communicating to us that we do not want to continue on the Deal Breaker pathway we’re headed because we’re not going to like where we end up.

Chapter 17: Marriage and the Sacrament

The Sacrament
So let’s liken the relationship between husband and wife to our relationship with the Lord.  When we partake of the sacrament each Sunday we renew that relationship with him.  Most of us probably don’t even realize just how much participating in that ordinance, recommitting ourselves to patterning our lives after his, and partaking of the bread and water sustains us.  But we do know that we are not supposed to partake of it unworthily (3 Nephi 18:28).  Why?  Because if we do, we will be temporarily sustained IN OUR SINS (Alma 11:37).  The blessings of the sacrament bring us real peace.  When we are hypocritically disobeying the commandments of God and partaking of it, it acts kind of like a drug that numbs us to the real state of our situation.  If we’re sustained like that in our sins, what’s going to motivate us to repent?  It’s like eating a bunch a junk food our whole lives and taking meds to cover up the pain we subsequently experience so that we're never motivated to correct our diets.  It’s basically taking the Lord’s name in vain (Mosiah 13:15).  If we don’t repent we’ll keep going on whatever pathway we’re headed and end up in whatever destination it leads us, which is not good if we are deviating from where we wanted to go in the first place! 

The atonement of Jesus Christ, symbolized by the sacrament, is put into place to give us time and space to figure it all out.  If we just take that time and space for granted and don't fulfill our end of the bargain, we may be content in the moment but we lose out in the end.  Mercy can't rob justice, meaning we will eventually end in the destination to which we are continuously headed, regardless of the cushioning effects we experience now.

Elder Holland, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, compared the sacrament to the sexual relationship between husband and wife (see "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments").  Can you see where this is going?  The sexual relationship sustains both partners.  It actively demonstrates a renewal of their marriage commitment to each other.  It therefore sustains each one more than they probably know or understand IF they are both worthily partaking.  But if the husband is continuously deviating from his Bridegroom mission or involved with Deal Breakers without repentance and he is also partaking, he is doing so unworthily.  

The wife is standing in the role of an Enabler if she continues to force herself to engage in these activities with him in spite of the continual sickness she feels when she does so.  If a woman has ever crossed boundaries to some degree with any boy before marriage, she is acquainted with the reproving feelings that come after such an encounter.  She will experience these same feelings with her husband if he is continually deviating without repentance.  And if she doesn't know what's going on she will pair the sickness feeling with intimacy in general.  This will lead her to think she doesn't like sexual relations.  But what's really happening is that the Holy Ghost is instructing her to withhold this relationship from her husband so that she does not “cover up the pain” that will motivate him to return to his Bridegroom mission and the pathway that leads to a Soulmates Marriage.

Not all wives will sense this difference in the Spirit and even less will act upon it.  A Wise Virgin does.  She is more allegiant to God than she is to her husband.  That’s a temporary Deal Breaker for that specific marriage but it is one that is authorized by God.  Keep in mind that she still is commanded to forgive him, treat him with kindness, and work to resolve whatever conflicts she can with him.  Friendship Attraction can be maintained when she utilizes the Atonement of Jesus Christ for support.  It's Romantic Attraction that is inhibited for as long as there is no sincere repentance for ongoing Deal Breakers.

“And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel’s, But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.”  ~Mark 10:29-30 

“If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, [or husband, yea and his own life also; or in other words, is afraid to lay down his life for my sake, he cannot be …] my disciple.  And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.” ~Luke 14:26-27 (content in brackets is JST)

A little note on these scriptures.  We know that in other places Jesus has said to love your neighbor as yourself and to love your enemies so he probably does not mean by this scripture to hate others in the way we interpret that word.  I believe he’s saying to choose to follow God over anyone else even if that will make the other person mad at us or create an incompatible relationship as a result.  It's about not allowing the opinions, direction, and guidance of others who conflict with God compete with him in our estimation.  We don't want to disobey God's commandments because it's not "politically correct" in our marriage or in any other relationship.

So many conflicts in marriage arise because husband and wife are listening to conflicting Marriage Counselors and influences.  One of the most common messages sent by conflicting Marriage Counselors is that Deal Breakers are the only way to resolve marital conflict.  If husband and wife are playing by two separate sets of game rules they will experience contention in their relationship.

I think the reason the Lord is so adamant about not trusting in anyone who conflicts with his guidance is that no one can build any kind of sustainable relationship without him.  They can try but it won’t happen.  They can pretend but it won’t happen.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ = the rules of the Soulmates Marriage game.  That’s because the rules to keep relationships sustainable are as strict as the rules to keep any physical ecosystem or body sustainable (Moses 1:39).  There are inherent boundaries and limitations.  It's physics!  No one can get around them.  Not even God (Alma 42:13).  God can give us time and space to make plenty of mistakes while we learn how to follow the rules but in the end the rules need to be followed in order to obtain sustainable relationships (Alma 42:15). 

“Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. ~John 14:6

“And now, my son, I have told you this that ye may learn wisdom, that ye may learn of me that there is no other way or means whereby man can be saved, only in and through Christ. Behold, he is the life and the light of the world. Behold, he is the word of truth and righteousness.” ~Alma 38:9

The hope is that a husband will never require his wife to choose between him and God.  But if he does, a Wise Virgin will choose God’s will over her husband’s will because she knows that this is not only in her best interest but also in her husband's despite his present inability to see that.  She does this so he will repent and recommit—not to her alone, but to his God.  If instead he gets himself all caught up in the tight knots of pride and envy, the marriage will continue to deteriorate over time.

Chapter 20: Rate of Progression

Rate of Progression is our rate of change.  It is how fast we travel up the mountain, transitioning line upon line and precept upon precept, to develop our relationship with God and with our spouse. 

“And when they shall have received this, which is expedient that they should have first, to try their faith, and if it shall so be that they shall believe these things then shall the greater things be made manifest unto them.  And if it so be that they will not believe these things, then shall the greater things be withheld from them, unto their condemnation.” ~3 Nephi 26:9-10
(Bold added)

"For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have." ~2 Nephi 28:30 
(Bold added)

Our Rate of Progression is our capacity or our speed. It's our distance over time, our mph.  It is determined by how quickly we can give up our lesser ways of obtaining our desires and resolving our conflicts for “a more excellent way” (Ether 12:11). How quickly can we repent?  It is also determined by how much we can remain steadfast in our faith in Christ when the going gets tough.  The greater our endurance in keeping the rules, the faster our progression towards a Soulmates Marriage.  The hard part is discerning where to hold steadfast and where to change.  Because a Soulmates Marriage is developed by traveling together up the mountain, it’s pretty important that both spouses have similar Rates of Progression.

Listen:  "A More Excellent Way" an EFY song by David Osmond
Read:  “What Lack I Yet?” by Elder Larry R. Lawrence
Read Special Ops Moms Blog Post:  “Before & After"

 
"Today’s world moves at an increasingly rapid pace. Scientific achievements are fantastic, advances in medicine are phenomenal, and the probings of the inner secrets of earth and the outer limits of space leave one amazed and in awe. In our science-oriented age, we conquer space but cannot control self; hence, we forfeit peace. Through modern science, man has been permitted to fly through space at great speeds and to silently and without effort cruise sixty days under water in nuclear-powered ships. Now that man can fly like a bird and swim like a fish, would that he could learn to walk on earth like a man." ~President Thomas S. Monson, “In Quest for the Abundant Life,” March 1988 Ensign

Rate of Progression can actually change in a person over time similar to how a runner can improve his/her race time.  So when a couple first get married, they may have the same Rate.  They may be able to run together.  But over time, that Rate has the potential to change, for better or for worse, because of agency.

Listen:  "Mighty Change of Heart" an EFY song by David Osmond

Slowing our Rate of Progression
The way we slow down our Rate of Progression is by:
1.  Turning to Deal Breakers.
2.  Choosing to interact with others in pride and envy.
3.  Yielding to the temptations of Harlot Attraction or Prude Attraction Inhibitors.
4.  Losing sight of our God-given mission.
5.  Weak Forcefield = being exposed to too little or too much Adversity.

Speeding Up our Rate of Progression
This is the opposite of slowing it down.  We choose:
1.  Chastity with our spouse.
2.  Faith in Christ—Paradoxical  Strategies in the face of adversity and temptation + continuous repentance and forgiveness when mistakes are made.
3.  Humility, gratitude, confidence, and empathy in our interactions with others, stripping ourselves of all pride and envy.
4.  Standing steadfast in our God-given mission. 
5.  Strong Forcefield = Threshold Adversity (see blog post "In The Zone").

Because of each spouse’s agency, Rates of Progression can stay similar or they can change in relation to each other over time.  If both spouses improve their Rates of Progression together, an increase in the intensity of Sustainable Attraction will be the Result.

“And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many witnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed.” ~Alma 34:33
(Bold added)

Personal Example
Several years ago I purchased two round-trip airline ticket to Frankfurt, Germany for a Christmas gift for my husband.  He served his mission in Switzerland and France and I thought this would be the perfect gift for him to go back and visit.  Overseas airline tickets were extremely affordable at that time--$400 each!  We traveled by car from Germany into Switzerland and France.  One day we visited Lausanne, France, which was one of the areas that he loved while serving his mission.  At the end of the day we needed to catch a train that was going to arrive within a short period of time.  The train station was still a ways away from where we were.  So we decided to run for it.  During this time of our lives we were both on the same diet and exercise program, working to get in shape.  Running side by side with him up the street to catch the train is one of the best memories I have with him.

Chapter 21: Agency Meets Reality

We all need to improve our Rate of Progression in order to gain the ability to handle the increasing Adversity that is inherent to this life.  Because our mortal bodies are not perfectly balanced and because they deteriorate as we get older we have a lot of natural pain and sorrow to bear.  Because Adversity is inherent to raising kids, we are required to become more than we once were in order to remain balanced throughout that part of our journey.  Because of the growing societal trends to force Harlotry in our faces and conflicting ideas of what it means to be successful, Temptation and Adversity are increasing in intensity.  Remaining faithful to Paradoxical living in the face of these Adversities and Temptations causes us to grow spiritually.  Because of Adversity the higher heights on the mountain are always calling to us.  We can’t stay wallowing in this lower fallen state, failing again and again.  We must somehow rise above it.  The goal is not to overcome all Adversity.  It's not to put an end to anything that challenges us.  The goal is to reduce it to levels that are manageable through the Atonement of Jesus Christ so that we can use the challenges it presents to our advantage.  Thus both spouses will need to grow to some extent.  They will need to improve their Rate of Progression.  They will need to make upward progression on the mountain in order to strengthen their Forcefield to handle increasing Adversity and Temptation.

“Wherefore, all mankind were in a lost and in a fallen state, and ever would be save they should rely on this Redeemer.” ~1 Nephi 10:6

We can still choose not to climb.  We all know this.  There have been countless in history that have decided not to.  When Adversity comes they turn bitter and “harden their hearts.”  They let the adversity destroy them.  They are angry because of it.  They fight against it as much as is possible in Survival of the Fittest living—Deal Breakers, Pride & Envy, Harlot Attraction, Prude Attraction Inhibitors.  They don’t turn to the Lord.  They refuse to be comforted.

“But behold, because of the exceedingly great length of the war between the Nephites and the Lamanites many had become hardened, because of the exceedingly great length of the war; and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility. “ ~Alma 62:41

“...and his soul mourned and refused to be comforted.” ~Ether 15:3

So let’s say the husband uses his agency to speed up his Rate of Progression while the wife chooses things that slow hers.  Action is required.  Time is needed.  Hope for a change in heart.  Faith that with his Paradoxical Strategies, she will turn away from the Deal Breakers, the pseudo Attraction, and the conflicting missions and return to her spouse in Chastity, to faith in Christ, to Sustainable Attraction, and to their God-given mission.  Again, time is given.  A space to repent.

“...nevertheless there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent...” ~Alma 12:24

That space to repent in a Soulmates Marriage isn’t our entire lives.  Why?  Because this life of Adversity and Temptation, being separated from God and his all encompassing love, creates the motivation to develop such a close relationship with another person.  And this life is the time we need to be so close to another person to get through the Adversity and Temptation that are naturally ours in being separated from God's presence.  Marriage itself is a huge part of God's Mercy for us.  It's meant to be developed into a heaven on earth.  It is the means by which God's Forcefield is wrapped around each of us and the means by which that Forcefield is expanded.

When we return home to our Heavenly Father, the Adversity and Temptations are no longer strong enough to present a challenge.  In that environment how would we establish a relationship in which both partners are required to rely on each other?  How would we actually demonstrate that this person is the one we want to be with forever?  We wouldn’t have the chance to say that in word and action again and again in order to seal our hearts together.  It takes time to develop a Soulmates Marriage.  It takes trials and opportunity costs.  When we choose to have faith in Christ and in our spouse despite every other choice that is presented to us, a Soulmates Marriage is sealed together.

“But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage:” ~Luke 20:35

Note:  I believe that those who don't have a chance to be married, through no fault of their own as judged by God and no one else, will have a chance to develop such a relationship in the millennium just as those who are unable to have children or who have had children who have died, will be able to be parents during that time and raise their children who have passed away in infancy. 

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: 'You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.' There is restitution, there is growth, there is development, after the resurrection from death. I love this truth. It speaks volumes of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us." ~Joseph F. Smith

We see how this is an exciting and dangerous game.  Some may even resent the fact that I call it a game but I do so to make the point that there are rules we need to follow if we are going to play it.  No one complains that there are rules in sports.  The rules are what make the game fun.  They are what challenge us.  Things get pretty boring if there are no commitments to be kept, lines to stay within, and boundaries to the goals we need to make.  Thus in addition to the random sources of Adversity, the laws of God themselves present us with a great deal of challenge.

Personal Story
My boys have all played basketball.  They like to play church ball when that season comes around the first of the year.  They can’t get enough of it.  When the season ends they don’t lose all interest to play but a significant amount of it.  Never fails they want the season to keep on going.  They still play but the overall energy seems to decrease.  I think that’s because the game is more of a challenge when they are held to the rules by the referees.  Things are tracked and measured.  This is exciting stuff!  They love to test themselves against such a standard.  The same is true of the Lord’s rules for Soulmates Marriages.  He is a tough referee but he is fair in every way.  He has our best interest in mind as well as our spouse's.  Sometimes the refs at the basketball games make bad calls.  The Lord doesn’t.  His calls aren't over the top but neither is he a push-over.  So when we’re feeling censured by the Spirit, we know it’s a fair call and need to repent.  This is just another reason to develop our communication relationship with God.  We won’t find a better Referee!   There’s no reason to get bored with this life.  There is life after the honeymoon!  There are so many challenges to bring us the good kind of energy and excitement life and marriage are meant to be.  So many people sing about how they want peace but without God's rules to challenge us we’d all be bored to death.