Rule #1 Desire to believe that a Soulmates Marriage is possible and determine if the sacrifice is worth it to us
For me, it started with the inherent desire for such a relationship. I wanted the Attraction I felt towards my spouse in the beginning of our relationship to return and be ever-present. There was a yearning deep inside of me, which no one ever positively told me was possible to satisfy, yet I had hope that it somehow was within the bounds the Lord set. I hoped that God designed marriage to be that way. Making that hope more than just a dream started with researching, visualizing, and understanding what a Soulmates Marriage was. Here's a summary of my definition:
“A Soulmates Marriage is a covenant relationship between a man and a woman and God in which the spouses progressively journey together in balance to obtain the degree of Sustainable Attraction with which both are satisfied. Sustainable Attraction is the continuous dynamically balanced combination of friendship and romance between husband and wife.”
So that left some room for study, explaining, and expounding upon. Some questions I asked were:
What is a covenant relationship? How is it different from just any old relationship? How is making that covenant with my spouse and God different than making it just with my spouse?
What
is attraction? What physical metaphors of attraction can I study? Magnetic attraction? How can I liken the
physics principles that apply to magnetism to the rules of attraction
between a man and a woman?
What is a friendship? How do I define it? How does my spouse define it? How does my Marriage Counselor Team define it? What friendships have been the most valuable to me in my life? Do I have that kind of relationship with my spouse?
What is romance? Some people group all inappropriate sexual behaviors with appropriate sexual behaviors under this same word. So what is good romance? What is the romance God intended for marriage? When has this been sustainable with my spouse? What were we doing to sustain it?
In searching out the answers to these questions I started with dictionary definitions, then studied the scriptures and prophetic teachings
as well as my own journal (a record of my past experiences), while
listening to the Holy Ghost for that personalized instruction.
As I researched Soulmates Marriage with a pure and honest heart, really wanting to know, my faith in its existence grew, which indicated to me that it indeed existed (Alma 32:26-27). My very motivation to spend a lot of my time researching the subject described the intensity of my desire to obtain this relationship. That’s how I determined that I wanted it more than anything else. Spending my valuable time on
researching it was the beginning of my sacrifice process to obtain it.
When I first decided that I was going to believe that through Christ it was somehow possible to develop Sustainable Attraction in marriage, I basically was forming a hypothesis. It needed to be proven true through study and experimentation. The first steps I took to "experiment upon it" were to think about what exactly I desired--Sustainable Attraction. From what I could see, it seemed like the only people who enjoyed Attraction were those who jumped around from one relationship to another. I knew about the natural Attraction people had for one another in the beginning of a relationship. So if we chose to relationship-hop we could experience Attraction relatively consistently. But in that case the only way to get it was to harvest that Natural Attraction in the beginning of the relationship, watch it die, and start again with someone else. Sounded kind of vampire-like to me. I knew that was against God's laws. Yet I also knew he wanted us to be married for time and all eternity. So was Attraction of God? If it was then it could be sustained and that was his whole purpose for eternal marriage. I have come to understand that feeling trapped in a marriage and pretending to be happy is not of God. We may have to move forward in faith in the beginning, and trudge through hard sacrifices that bring us sorrow. But that's not supposed to endure forever. His end goal is sustainable happiness, joy, love (2 Nephi 2:25). All those things are what create Attraction between two human beings. I believe God designed eternal temple marriages so that a man and a woman could be in love forever. And I had heard his prophets speaking about the marriage relationship as the crowning reward of all God's blessings.
"Marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other human relationship." ~Elder Russel M. Nelson, April 2006
So I wondered what I was missing. There must be an inherent process that God knew that would return Sustainable Attraction between two people (D&C 130:20-21). And I wanted him to tell me it (Luke 11:9). I believed he would. Even if that process was a sacrifice, I was willing to do it. I was willing because I knew that with God nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37).
"And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." ~1 Nephi 3:7
“A Soulmates Marriage is a covenant relationship between a man and a woman and God in which the spouses progressively journey together in balance to obtain the degree of Sustainable Attraction with which both are satisfied. Sustainable Attraction is the continuous dynamically balanced combination of friendship and romance between husband and wife.”
What is a covenant relationship? How is it different from just any old relationship? How is making that covenant with my spouse and God different than making it just with my spouse?
What is a friendship? How do I define it? How does my spouse define it? How does my Marriage Counselor Team define it? What friendships have been the most valuable to me in my life? Do I have that kind of relationship with my spouse?
What is romance? Some people group all inappropriate sexual behaviors with appropriate sexual behaviors under this same word. So what is good romance? What is the romance God intended for marriage? When has this been sustainable with my spouse? What were we doing to sustain it?
When I first decided that I was going to believe that through Christ it was somehow possible to develop Sustainable Attraction in marriage, I basically was forming a hypothesis. It needed to be proven true through study and experimentation. The first steps I took to "experiment upon it" were to think about what exactly I desired--Sustainable Attraction. From what I could see, it seemed like the only people who enjoyed Attraction were those who jumped around from one relationship to another. I knew about the natural Attraction people had for one another in the beginning of a relationship. So if we chose to relationship-hop we could experience Attraction relatively consistently. But in that case the only way to get it was to harvest that Natural Attraction in the beginning of the relationship, watch it die, and start again with someone else. Sounded kind of vampire-like to me. I knew that was against God's laws. Yet I also knew he wanted us to be married for time and all eternity. So was Attraction of God? If it was then it could be sustained and that was his whole purpose for eternal marriage. I have come to understand that feeling trapped in a marriage and pretending to be happy is not of God. We may have to move forward in faith in the beginning, and trudge through hard sacrifices that bring us sorrow. But that's not supposed to endure forever. His end goal is sustainable happiness, joy, love (2 Nephi 2:25). All those things are what create Attraction between two human beings. I believe God designed eternal temple marriages so that a man and a woman could be in love forever. And I had heard his prophets speaking about the marriage relationship as the crowning reward of all God's blessings.
"Marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other human relationship." ~Elder Russel M. Nelson, April 2006
So I wondered what I was missing. There must be an inherent process that God knew that would return Sustainable Attraction between two people (D&C 130:20-21). And I wanted him to tell me it (Luke 11:9). I believed he would. Even if that process was a sacrifice, I was willing to do it. I was willing because I knew that with God nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37).
"And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." ~1 Nephi 3:7
