Outside
Adversity can increase our sacrifice level beyond our present control.
The new baby keeps us up for most the night. A tornado destroys our
house. Our husband loses his job. Employer isn’t paying enough to
cover the bills. Neighbors telling us we need to control our kids. One
spouse is diagnosed with a major illness. Elderly parent moves in for
long-term care. In-laws don’t like us. Voice inside our head telling
us we’re a terrible parent and will never amount to much (Yes, this is
Outside Adversity even though it’s inside our head).
Because
of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we are protected from being squashed
by too much Outside Adversity. That protection has a first line of
defense, which is our Soulmates Marriage. It is the Forcefield around a
marriage of two people nurturing the Sustainable Attraction
between each other. That Forcefield protects both spouses and their
children. When the going gets tough, husband and wife turn to each
other for support. The Peace and Energy that flows between them is
enough to sustain their Joy through the hard times.
The
second line of defense is our family, friends, and other
fellow-believers in Christ. These are members of our Soulmates Marriage
team with whom we have appropriate loving relationships. This is the
purpose of family and organized religion. The scriptures have referred to these combined relationships as
Zion. A larger Forcefield encircles a group of marriages and families
so that Adversity does not have the power to overcome all those inside.
So even if an overwhelming degree of Outside Adversity hits one
marriage and family, with the support of their community, they will not
be overcome by it.
A hedge is another metaphor for the Forcefield:
"And
he began to speak unto them by parables. A certain man planted a
vineyard, and set an hedge about it, and digged a place for the winefat,
and built a tower, and let it out to husbandmen, and went into a far
country." ~Mark 12:1
"For God will save Zion...that they may dwell there, and have it in possession." ~Psalms 69:35
The above video clip from the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life" demonstrates how a Forcefield provides protection from overwhelming adversity. This particular Forcefield was created not just by a husband and wife but also by God, family, and a community of people who stick together in friendship.
The
third line of defense made possible by of the Atonement of Jesus Christ
is our relationship with God. I’ve listed this behind the first two
not because our Savior should be our last resort but because his atoning
power is operable through our spouse, our families, and Zion
communities first. Those are safeguards he has placed in the specific
position in our lives to be the means whereby we obtain Sustainable Joy,
Attraction, and Charity. They are the framework behind the
Forcefield. But if for some reason the first two lines of defense fail
or just aren’t enough for us individually, our Heavenly Father, Savior, the Holy Ghost,
and the kingdom of heaven (#Angels) will be there for us.
"I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing." ~John 15:5
The
key to retaining the above protection, is to take time when things are
still going well to develop our relationships with our spouse, family,
community, and God. In order for marriage, family, and a community of
fellow-believers to effectively maintain a Forcefield, the Values of God
need to be accepted and lived in each of our relationships. All
members need to be allegiant to them, repent when they don't get it
right, and forgive when others don't get it right. That creates a safe
place in which to grow while still giving more than ample opportunity
for diversity in culture, nationality, talents, and backgrounds. And in this sense, God is our first line of defense. When we keep his
commandments as our number one priority we are blessed and prospered.
But we need to remember that if we don’t develop these relationships
early (meaning now), when Outside Adversity comes, the protection won’t
be there.
"And
he hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall
prosper in the land; but inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye
shall be cut off from my presence." ~2 Nephi 1:20
"And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them." ~Moses 7:18
Sometimes
it’s hard to tell whether the over-the-top Adversity we’re experiencing
is real or the self-inflicted kind. Some of the sacrifices we do on a
daily basis for our spouse, family, community, and God are seemingly
self-inflicted. We have made commitments and are bound to keep them. If we stopped keeping them, which choice is completely within our
control, the Adversity on us would decrease but it would then unavoidably increase for them. We can also toggle these variables by slowing down our
commitment making/keeping or speeding it up.
Commitment Making and Keeping
For example, sometimes we are faced
with the difficult decision of just how far we should withdraw our commitment to our spouse. Our remaining in a close relationship with him means we are making/keeping certain commitments to him that fill his inherent needs and vice versa. If these commitments are continuously being made but not kept on one or both sides, the relationship is going to be imbalanced if it remains that close. Pulling away from expecting our spouse to keep his commitments to us is an option. But who we choose to go to in order to fill our inherent needs in the meantime can be either a Deal Breaker or it can be part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
When we go to the Savior himself to nourish us, while our spouse is trying to regain his ability to make/keep the commitment to fill our inherent needs, we are going to an authorized source. Going to family members, friends, ecclesiastical leaders, or other marriage counselors for help and support during tough times may also be appropriate resources. Who to go to and who not to go to requires the ability of discernment. This is when it becomes very important to have developed a strong communication relationship with the Head of our Marriage Counselor Team. God allows us to develop fulfilling relationships with other family members, friends, church leaders, and counselors that do not cross his boundaries into inappropriate relationships. They actually help sustain the marriage, rather than cause it to crumble. Figuring out whether another relationship we're developing is supportive to our marriage or destructive requires the Discernment of God's opinion.
For example, if both spouses have developed strong relationships with their families, they may not need to depend upon each other so intensely. Yet their relationship may remain sustainable even with a number of additional friendships and counselors because they do rely on each other to a sufficient degree--to the satisfaction of both.
Conflict arises when one spouse is getting his needs met from other sources and the other is not. These sources may be traditional Deal Breakers such as extra-marital relationships, pornography, gambling addictions, drug/alcohol addictions, etc. We've talked about these and most people acknowledge these as marital Deal Breakers. But a marriage can also become imbalanced by the addition of sources that are traditionally acceptable such as other family members, friends, co-workers, etc. Even if they are traditionally acceptable--meaning accepted by our community--they may still be causing the marriage to be imbalanced because one spouse is getting his needs met in other relationships and the other spouse is not. If she is relying completely on him because she does not have strong enough bonds with others then the relationship will be imbalanced. He is filled and doesn't need to make and keep commitments with her as much she needs to with him.
The reason she hasn't developed strong enough bonds in other relationships may be that she needs to develop better relationship skills. So if she turns to her Savior and other members of her Marriage Counselor team to develop these relationship skills, she will become more balanced and thus the marriage will rebalance. This is one example of what it means to get the "beam" out of our own eye before we try to get the "mote" out of our spouse's eye. We identify our own weaknesses and seek the Savior's guidance to develop them into strengths. We don't want to attribute the cause of the problem to our spouse alone and expect that balance will be achieved as soon as he fixes himself.
"Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye." ~Luke 6:42
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." ~Ether 12:27
But if one spouse works to resolve her own personal weaknesses over an extended period of time and still is not able to develop close enough relationships with others, then the other spouse has a responsibility to separate from his other relationships and combine more with his wife if he wants his marriage to be sustainable.
That's why every relationship is different. If a marriage is not working, these variables have to be looked at. It's not one size fits all. So again, this is when discernment is crucial to resolving the conflict. We need to objectively understand our selves and circle of support as well as our spouse's.
The Workings of our Hearts
In order to discern whether our Adversity is real (authorized--motes and beams out of our eyes) or self-inflicted (Deal Breaker), we need to be able to understand the workings of our hearts. When
we develop a strong communication relationship with God, our ability to
discern increases. One of God’s primary communication methods is
through our hearts. That’s why we’ve been talking about the feelings of
Hope, Peace, Energy, Joy, Attraction, and Charity. We can’t make our
hearts feel these things. They come as an effect. They are God's
response to what we do. When we as individuals dance in balance--within our own personal capacity--we experience Joy as a confirmation of that balance. When we dance too fast for our strength, we experience stress, hunger, fear, anger, and tension. When we dance too slow for our strength, we experience boredom, depression, lethargy, and stagnancy. These emotions signify the balance of our personal relationship with God. They are merciful feelings that guide us through confirmation and warnings. We know we're headed in the right direction when we feel Joy--the combination of Peace and Energy. We know we're deviating if we experience too much Stress or Boredom.
The Politics of Dancing Revisited
The cause of our emotional balance vs. imbalance gets even trickier when we depend on someone other than
God for our Peace and Energy, like our spouse. We experience Joy when we are dancing in balance with our spouse and Stress/Boredom when we are dancing in imbalance with him. Since we are supposed to depend on
our spouse, our family, and our Zion community for these things, and
everyone has a tendency to become imbalanced to one degree or another,
we are going to experience Joy and Stress/ Boredom as a part of life. These are the ups and downs. This is the Rock'n Roll Dance. These are the Politics of Dancing. But
when we develop our relationship with Jesus Christ, we can rely on his
Redeeming Peace and Energy when those around us are unable to provide this for us over extended periods of time.
We can take a certain degree of imbalance. But when we are subject to imbalance for long periods of time Stress and Boredom turn into chronic Fear-anger AND Depression-loneliness. Learning to turn to our Savior and other authorized relationships when the going gets tough prevents us from deteriorating into these states of bondage. Knowing how to read our hearts enables us to know when to slow down our commitment making/keeping to our spouse and when to speed it up.
When both spouses dance in balance with each other, both experience Sustainable Joy. When one spouse chronically dances too fast or too slow for the other, both will experience Fear and Depression. This creates a lot of chronic contention in the relationship.
Starting early in the relationship to maintain our Balance in Christ even while everything else is Rockn' and Rolln' around us enables us to serve as a spiritual anchor to our spouse and others in times of trouble. It helps us avoid getting sucked into a black-hole like marriage. Learning
to depend more upon our Savior’s Peace enables us to continue dancing
in balance even when our spouse and other loved ones we depend upon
become imbalanced. That’s faith. It can be strengthened. It is a work in progress. As we increase our faith in Christ, we will be able to
voluntarily take on higher levels of Adversity without toppling over. Our sacrifice level is only as strong as the person or group of people we depend upon for Peace.
In order to achieve a Soulmates Marriage it must be the primary goal of both spouses to establish this firm foundation with our Savior, spouse, family, and community. To do that requires DISCERNING the specific variables, extended relationships, and inherent dispositions of each spouse.
"He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved." ~Psalm 62:2
The
other reason we may not be receiving enough Peace is because our spouse
is not giving it to us. He may be experiencing a lot of his own
Outside Adversity over which he has little control. In that case, we
can choose to unite our faith with his and be that source of support he
needs to get through it. His Adversity is our own and we are promised
the same blessings of an increase in Joy, Charity, Attraction, and
Forcefield when both spouses rely on each other and turn to the
Atonement of Jesus Christ for aide.
Friendships, whether they are with our spouse or with another friend are built on similar principles. As a good friend, we support our friends when they are going through tough times. One exemplary friendship depicted in the "Lord of the Rings" by J.R. Tolkien is between Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins. Frodo has volunteered to carry the Ring of Power to Mordor, a major sacrifice. It is a heavy burden and no one else can take it and carry it for him. He has to do it. So there's this epic line that Sam says when he sees Frodo may not make it up the mountain to Mordor: "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you." I see this as something we can do for our spouse when he is struggling to carry all of his responsibilities. Much of the time we can't help him by doing his responsibilities for him, but we can be there for him, love him, and comfort him. We can be that safe place where he comes to recharge and share all of his worries and concerns.
In the unique relationship between a man and a woman in marriage, God has granted us the privilege of sexual relations, which when practiced within the law have the powerful capacity to comfort so deeply and completely.
If
our spouse is experiencing Self-inflicted Adversity the resolution
process is for him to rebalance. He needs to stop allowing conflicting
sources to influence him. He needs to return to his God-given mission.
That may be easy for us to see but the key is to patiently work with
him so he can see it for himself. That includes a lot of empathy and
prayer on his behalf. It’s so easy to get caught up in the Values of
the world. It’s completely natural to want to achieve success among our
peers, co-workers, and in our society. It’s hard to discern when our
society’s Values are deviating from God’s. Our spouse has agency and we
can’t intervene with force, anger, or manipulation to get him
to rebalance. That is not God’s way and will cause us to deviate from
the balance if we try. But we can wait. We can persuade, plead, pray
for, and be consistent in our communication and Charity for our spouse
while he strives to rebalance.
Another
reason he may not be able to give us the Peace we need is that he’s
engaged in Deal Breakers. This causes him to lose his ability to dance
in balance with us. In fact, he’s off dancing with someone else. He’s
getting his Peace and Energy needs met through alternative sources.
When he continuously does this, he stagnates himself in his relationship
with God. Growth in Charity does not occur. His sacrifices in the
marriage start to feel like grudge sacrifices to him. He becomes very
upset with having to keep the commitments he has made. Lack of Charity
reduces the intensity of his Attraction, both our ability to feel attracted to him and his ability to feel attracted to us. This may affect the quantity
of Peace he can give us but more importantly it affects the quality of
it. The Peace that he does offers us is dull, lacking the life-giving
properties of Christ’s Peace.
"And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard did taste
of the fruit, every sort according to its number. And the Lord of the
vineyard said: Behold, this long time have we nourished this tree, and I
have laid up unto myself against the season much fruit. But behold, this time it hath brought forth much fruit, and there is none
of it which is good. And behold, there are all kinds of bad fruit; and
it profiteth me nothing, notwithstanding all our labor; and now it
grieveth me that I should lose this tree." ~Jacob 5:31-32
"Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour,
wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to
be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men." ~Matthew 5:13
So to wrap up the last 6 chapters, we see that the factors that cause us to dance in Fear are:
- Outside Adversity
- Self-inflicted Adversity
- Our Spouse’s Imbalance
The resolution process is to turn to the Atonement of Jesus Christ through:
- Our spouse
- Family and other members of a Zion Community
- Our hearts—our relationship with God
We discern the difference between Real and Self-inflicted Adversity by:
- Developing our communication with God (reading our heart)
- Acknowledging
and allowing the fact that in our relationship with our spouse, family,
and friends in our Zion Community (and outside of it) there is going to
be temporary imbalance and thus Adversity and pain
- Knowing that our sacrifice level is only as strong as the person we depend upon for Peace.
- Knowing how much pain our hearts can Voluntarily endure for another person before it turns into a Grudge Sacrifice
- Knowing that only Charity Sacrifices build love in marriages
If we want to dance, we’re going to have to dance with the Atonement of Jesus Christ through Adversity.
Listen: “Oh How the Years Go By” by Amy Grant
