Chapter 33: God's Love Language

The spouses of a Soulmates Marriage not only need to learn to speak each other’s Love Language but also God’s.  In order to develop a relationship with anyone we need to learn how to speak their language.  God is no exception.  God’s Love Language is traditionally called his commandments.  His commandments are his Values.  For a Soulmates Marriage, they are the rules of the game that we have been talking about.  If we want a Soulmates Marriage, we need to be willing to put into action God's Values in all that we think, say, and do.  We need to be willing to edit our personal code to be in alignment with his.  This is a work in progress.  It will happen incrementally as we continuously avoid Deal Breakers and instead choose Chastity, faith in God, and repentance.

"For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous." ~1 John 5:3

Language Proficiency
How well we speak God’s Love Language directly influences how well we develop the skill to speak and interpret our spouse’s language and anyone else's (Article of Faith 7).  When both spouses strive to obey the commandments of God in all that they think, say, and do they become very proficient in each other’s languages.

"Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." ~Matthew 22:36-40

In order to obtain a Soulmates Marriage, both spouses need to meet in the middle.  The middle is God’s Love Language.  That general language IS to speak our spouse’s Love Language first and allow the other to speak ours voluntarily.  I've used the words Paradoxical Living, Paradoxical Strategies, and Paradoxical Sacrifice to name this Love Language.  Speaking God's Love Language takes faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ because inevitably there are times when we have to sacrifice more for our spouse while he is presently unable or unwilling to do the same for us.

The spouse that maintains his faith in Christ by first continuously and voluntarily speaking his spouse’s Love Language instead of expecting or forcing her to speak his first, becomes highly proficient in the language of God’s Love.  Yet another name for this is Charity (1 Corinthians 13).  The spouse with a high level of Charity is intensely attractive.  The impact of his thoughts, words, and actions is incredible.  Just being around someone like this is a total privilege.  High Proficiency in Charity is equivalent to climbing high up into the mountain.  It is also equivalent to a high Rate of Progression.  Our Religion, whatever it is, teaches us higher or lower levels of Charity.  In order to ascend to the higher heights of Charity, we need to choose the best people to make up our Marriage Counselor Team.  These people need to have higher levels of Charity.  That way they can teach us the Values of how to obtain it ourselves.  The level of Charity we obtain is completely up to us.  We are the ones who decide how proficient we want to become by who we choose to listen to--which Religion, Counselors, and Values we choose.  Some Religions may have the capacity to teach us lower levels of God's love.  That is good.  Some may be better than others just as there is one star that is brighter than another (Abraham 3:2,16).  Other Religions have the capacity to teach us the heights of Charity.  That is best because Charity never fails.  It is Sustainable.  And of course it is not easy to take the higher road but with God it is obtainable.

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." ~1 Corinthians 13:13

"Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—" ~Moroni 7:46

"A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation." ~Joseph Smith, Jr

“For with God nothing shall be impossible.” ~Luke 1:37

Mercy:  Space
We don’t all need or desire to sacrifice at the most intense levels to develop Charity.  We need to sacrifice according to the measure of our creation--no more and no less.  When we do this, we develop the highest level of Charity.  It is our desired level that defines our name and the impact of our sacrifice. We need both lighthouses and lights on the shore (see blog post Keep the Lower Lights Burning).  The key is to find a spouse who desires to sacrifice at a similar level as we do.  That is the ultimate joy for each marriage.  Some people are over-powered by love that is too intense.  They are more laid back and easy going.  A person who sacrifices too intensely for them and requires the same in return in order to achieve Self-Actualization only makes them feel uncomfortable.  It puts them in a type of bondage.  Some people feel unsatisfied by the more easy-going kind of love.  They are more intense and focused.  A person who doesn't sacrifice as intensely for them and doesn't require the same in return only makes them feel like life is the most boring thing ever.  That is another type of bondage.  We need both kinds of people and all the kinds of people in between those two extremes.  This is what creates a space for all of us.  Yet there are boundaries to this space.  There are certain basic codes, rules, laws, Values that can’t be left undone.  Everyone has to obey these general laws in order to obtain a Soulmates Marriage.  Just like my tour group and I weren’t allowed to enter the Temple Mount in Jerusalem unless we were dressed properly, we will not be able to obtain any level of a Soulmates Marriage if we do not obey these basic rules.

"Then saith he to his servants, The wedding is ready, but they which were bidden were not worthy. Go ye therefore into the highways, and as many as ye shall find, bid to the marriage. So those servants went out into the highways, and gathered together all as many as they found, both bad and good: and the wedding was furnished with guests. And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. For many are called, but few are chosen." ~Matthew 22:8-14

Mercy:  Time
Whatever the Charity or Love Language Proficiency level we would like to obtain, we are all given time to develop it.  We don’t have to be perfect in speaking God’s Love Language or our spouse's right now but we do need to be actively developing those skills within our own sphere.  This is done through steadfast faith in Christ and ASAP-repentance when we get off track.  Our sphere is the intensity of our personal Love Language, which should be equivalent to the intensity of our spouse's Love Language.  It is the level of Charity we both desire to obtain.

Chapter 34: Day of Grace

We have time to repent but there is a limit to that.  There will come a time when time will be up.  If we continue engaging in Deal Breakers without repentance repeatedly throughout a God-determined grace period, we will lose certain privileges and chances.  

"And it came to pass that my sorrow did return unto me again, and I saw that the day of grace was passed with them, both temporally and spiritually; for I saw thousands of them hewn down in open rebellion against their God, and heaped up as dung upon the face of the land. And thus three hundred and forty and four years had passed away." ~Mormon 2:15

"For the Spirit of the Lord will not always strive with man. And when the Spirit ceaseth to strive with man then cometh speedy destruction, and this grieveth my soul." ~2 Nephi 26:11

So what is a God-determined grace period?  How do we know when time is up?  How do we know we have held steadfast in speaking our spouse’s Love Language in Charity long enough without him voluntarily reciprocating?  The only way to determine this grace period is to surrender our will to God.  “...be it unto me, according to thy word” (Luke 1:38). 

We actually pledge ourselves to him and say, “Yes, this is hard for me and no I don’t like it, but if this is what it takes to obtain a Soulmates Marriage, then I will suffer it.”  We say this because our faith is in God and in his Values.  We totally trust him.  We give up our life to him.  We know that nothing good comes from turning to our own Deal Breakers just because our needs are not being presently met.  We know that the only way out of this bondage is to continue developing our ability to sacrifice in his name (God’s Love Language—Charity) for our spouse and for our children.  No, we won’t be perfect in this because we’ve not yet climbed to the top of the mountain.  We’ll make mistakes too.  We need to continue to repent for our mistakes regardless of the mistakes of others.  

This is one of those cases where we can plainly see two wrongs really don’t make a right.  Even if our spouse is making mistakes, it doesn’t mean we’re perfect and we’re not going to make mistakes.  So we just keep going the best we know how with faith in Christ, learning, growing, becoming more than what we were (#Motes&Beams).  God will be the judge of both of us.  If our spouse does not repent given the God-determined grace period while we are continually striving to maintain our faith and repenting, we will hear God’s will loud and clear.  We will know when time is up.  When we continuously repent and are the first to recognize we aren't there yet, we will know when God’s will is to separate us from this bondage relationship so that we might develop another with someone who is willing to remain faithful to God and to us at the Love Language Proficiency level we BOTH need to fulfill the measure of our creation.

Chapter 35: Love Language Proficiency

To review, God’s Love Language is Charity.  He loves us in our own Love Language.  He enters the exact code for each of us, enabling us to reach Self-Actualization.  It is the best feeling in the world.  The more we develop our communication relationship with him, the more we are attracted to him.  The more we come to know God, the better we speak his language.  How well we speak God's Love Language determines the intensity of our own Love Language.  It determines the intensity level of our Attraction and thus our Love Language Proficiency.

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth:” ~1 Corinthians 13:4-8

“But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.” ~Moroni 7:47
 
Those who have a similar Love Language Proficiency are Romantically attracted to each other.  Those who differ too widely from each other are not.

Influencing Factors
What factors influence our Love Language Proficiency?  One factor is age.  Sometimes we just need more time to learn more about God through our own life experience.  When we experience Adversity and apply the Values of our Religion, we come to understand why these are the Values that end in Self-Actualization.  

Another factor is our personal Destiny, which includes our own personal Attraction to God.  How much are we drawn to him?  How much do we want to understand him?  How close do we want to come to him?  The closer we get, the higher the Values we will be required to obey.  When we’re at a distance we might be able to get by with living by the letter of the law (Law of Moses).  Coming closer requires us to live by the Spirit of the law (Law of Christ).  There are greater privileges for coming closer but there are also greater responsibilities.  The level of desire that each of us has to draw closer to God determines the amount of time we spend on a daily basis learning about him and his Values and then applying them.

“For of him unto whom much is given much is required; and he who sins against the greater light shall receive the greater condemnation.” ~D&C 82:3

Listen:  "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road

So this is why spiritually older people are not usually Romantically attracted to spiritually younger people and vice versa. Yet it is true that even though someone is physically older than us, we can still be Romantically attracted to them if we are at a similar Love Language Proficiency.

Listen:  "Get Closer" by Seals and Crofts

Chapter 36: Language Barriers

What barriers interfere with the development of our Love Language Proficiency?  What slows down our Rate of Progression too much?  In Chapter 9 we talked about Harlot Attraction and its impact on how attracted we are to our spouse.  Harlot Attraction is also a variable that impacts how attracted we are to God.  When we turn to real Harlots it interferes with our relationship with him.  But we can also turn to metaphoric Harlots.  In our covenant relationship with him, we are required to remain allegiant to him.  When the going gets tough we hold steadfast faith in him.  We do not go to conflicting sources to get what we want when God is not giving it to us.  He is our trainer.  Part of that training process includes withholding some of the things we want until we are able to obey his laws.  If instead of yielding ourselves to his training and restrictions, we go out and get what we want in some other way, it’s just like going to Harlots for sexual favors in marriage when our spouse does not give us what we want when we want it.  Going to Harlots for sexual favors is one of those ways we are manifesting to God that we choose Deal Breakers in our relationship with him.  Deal Breakers sever a covenant.  We are breaking our promise, our side of the commitment to both our spouse and God.  God cannot train us in his Love Language if we will not remain allegiant to him when the going gets tough or even when the going gets really easy.

In the scriptures, the Lord is often likened to a Bridegroom and his people are likened to his wife.  When they don't keep his commandments but instead go off and live by the lower Values of other Religions when they already are receiving higher-Value privileges, they are likened to a Harlot.  See the following scriptures.

“Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.” ~Corinthians 6:15

“How is the faithful city become an harlot! it was full of judgment; righteousness lodged in it; but now murderers.” ~Isaiah 1:21

“But thou [Jerusalem] didst trust in thine own beauty, and playedst the harlot because of thy renown, and pouredst out thy fornications on every one that passed by; his it was.” ~Ezekiel 16:15

“Though thou, Israel, play the harlot, yet let not Judah offend; and come not ye unto Gilgal, neither go ye up to Beth-aven, nor swear, The Lord liveth.” ~Hosea 4:15

“And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also.” ~Jeremiah 3:8

See blog post "The Tortise and the Hare...and the Slug"

Prude Attraction Inhibitors
Another word for Prude Attraction Inhibitors is Idolatry.  Idleness.  Instead of setting our hearts on accomplishing our God-given mission, Idolatry is about busying ourselves with all kinds of less important activities to the point where we slow down too much or grind to a halt in our progression towards our God-given goals.  We know that in our marriage we need to set goals and work to obtain them together.  If one or both spouses are always off doing something separate from their spouse, their relationship will separate.  The same is true with our relationship with God.  If we have joined together with him to accomplish a common goal (Measure of our Creation--God-given mission) and then spend much of our time on other less important goals, our relationship with him will separate.  We will become more distant from him.

“And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” ~Joshua 24:15

“Now while Paul waited for them at Athens, his spirit was stirred in him, when he saw the city wholly given to idolatry.” ~Acts 17:16

“Yea, and thus they were supported in their laziness, and in their idolatry, and in their whoredoms, by the taxes which king Noah had put upon his people; thus did the people labor exceedingly to support iniquity.” ~Mosiah 11:6

“And it shall be, if thou do at all forget the Lord thy God, and walk after other gods, and serve them, and worship them, I testify against you this day that ye shall surely perish.” Deut. 8:19

“But hast lifted up thyself against the Lord of heaven; and they have brought the vessels of his house before thee, and thou, and thy lords, thy wives, and thy concubines, have drunk wine in them; and thou hast praised the gods of silver, and gold, of brass, iron, wood, and stone, which see not, nor hear, nor know: and the God in whose hand thy breath is, and whose are all thy ways, hast thou not glorified:” ~Daniel 5:23

“No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” ~Matthew 6:24

Low Levels of Proficiency = Low Levels of Attraction
If we choose to go to Harlots or spend our time in Idolatry when we have already entered into a covenant with God, our Love Language Proficiency level will become stagnant.  That means the intensity of our Attraction level will be lukewarm at best (Revelations 3:15-17).  At worst it will become like bitter fruit—something that repulses as opposed to attracts (Jacob 5:52).

"Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men: Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvellous work among this people, even a marvellous work and a wonder: for the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent men shall be hid. Woe unto them that seek deep to hide their counsel from the Lord, and their works are in the dark, and they say, Who seeth us? and who knoweth us?" ~Isaiah 29:13-15 

Listen:  "Something to Believe In" by Parachute

Chapter 37: Charity & Marriage

In Chapter 10 we likened the Soulmates Journey to climbing a mountain.   In the figure below, I use a triangle to represent said mountain.  The journey up the mountain is represented by the slope on either side from the base to the tip (Growth/Progression).  Imagine the husband’s position is at the right side of the base of this triangle.  His relationship with God is represented by the line-slope from that side of the base to the tip.  The wife’s position is at the left side of the base of the triangle.  Her relationship with God is represented by the line-slope from that side of the base to the tip.  Each spouse has the agency to progress as high as desired on this mountain.  Each progresses in their Values of their chosen Religion, their Love Language Proficiency, and in their Intensity of Attraction.  This is their progression in Charity.

“But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.” ~Moroni 7:47

Values of our Chosen Religion
In Chapter 21 we talked about Religion and Values.  The Religion we choose is composed of Values.  Values are morals, truth statements, credos, laws, rules of the game, commandments that enable us to fulfill the measure of our creation.  Some Values are closer to God’s Values.  Some are further away.  The closer a Value is to God’s, the greater the sacrifice it is to keep it.  This is true because we naturally want to do things the easy way first.  And that gives us a tendency towards Survival of the Fittest Strategies, which is the opposite of God’s Values (Mark 8:35).  It is also true that the society we live in usually lives by lower Values and in order to be accepted by it, we need to live that way also.  If we don’t we become social outcasts.  Thus the more a society’s Values deviate from God’s, the more intense the sacrifice we are required to make in order to draw closer to him (John 15:18-21).

“Behold, the great day of the Lord is at hand; and who can abide the day of his coming, and who can stand when he appeareth? For he is like a refiner’s fire, and like fuller’s soap; and he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness. Let us, therefore, as a church and a people, and as Latter-day Saints, offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness;” ~D&C 128:24

Listen:  “Guilty” by Newsboys

It is also true that even though we may believe in a certain Value, our commitment level to it can vary widely (see blog post "Commitment").  Some may strive to keep it with exactness.  Others may be more laid back in their commitment approach, not minding to let some things slide.  Most of us have commitment levels in between these two extremes.  Thus even though we may belong to the same church as our spouse, our levels of commitment to its Values may become different enough over time to affect our Attraction to each other.

“...this people draw near unto me with their mouth, and with their lips do honor me, but have removed their hearts far from me, and their fear towards me is taught by the precepts of men—" ~2 Nephi 27:25

“But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” ~1 Samuel 16:7

Chapter 39: Intensity of Attraction

God has the most intense Attraction.  Even though he resides at a distance from us, we can still feel his influence.  This is like the sun.  The sun is about 93 million miles from the earth but we can still feel its energy and warmth.  Each of us also has a level of light, which is our power to Attract and to be Attracted by another.  Our levels of Attraction individually vary in intensity.  Some people are like the sun.  Others are like a small campfire that we need to huddle in close to feel.  Still others are like a match that burns for a few seconds and then goes out.  We’re Romantically attracted to people who have a similar intensity of Attraction to our own.

"Oooh you're like the sun
Chasing all the rain away
When you come around
You bring brighter days" ~Always by Atlantic Starr

The Values of our Chosen Religion and our Love Language Proficiency determine the intensity of our Attraction.  That is the same thing as saying our level of Charity determines the intensity of our Attraction.  But even if we have an intense level of Attraction, we will not have Sustainable Attraction with our spouse unless he also has a very similar intensity of Attraction.

We have used the following terms in the last several chapters to describe the same meaning:

Attraction to God
Level of Charity
Level of Values
Love Language Proficiency
Intensity of Attraction 
Level on the Mountain
Rate of Progression
 
Our Attraction to God is represented by the line-slope from the base of the triangle to the tip.  Our Attraction to our spouse is represented by the line from our side of the triangle to our spouse's side.  Even though the line at the base of the triangle is the longest, if both spouses reside there, Attraction will be Sustainable between them.

If the line between spouses is diagonal and the slope becomes too steep, Attraction fails.  This means that as our relationship with God changes, our relationship with our spouse will change for better or for worse.  

Throughout our lives on this earth we have a choice whether to increase or decrease our intensity of Attraction by drawing closer to God through the Atonement of Jesus Christ or by separating from him through not using this gift.  In a marriage, if both spouses draw closer to God at a similar rate, the Attraction between them will grow and be Sustainable.  But if one spouse draws closer while the other separates, the Attraction between them will wane.  Without this Attraction marriage becomes more like bondage than bonds of love.

The name of the game is to progress together.  It is for husband and wife to develop their relationship with God together.  They choose the same level of Values.  They sacrifice Survival of the Fittest Strategies, the Values of World, and lower level Values to remain fully committed to God’s Values as they both understand them.  They study them together to know what they are.  At first they may see them as general rules but over time, they see how they can apply to more specific choices.  They challenge themselves to increase their sacrifice level.  If one or the other gets consistently bored with life or with the marriage, this should be caught early and discussed during Marriage Meetings.  The resolution process is to first make sure neither is engaged in any Deal Breakers.  If not, the next step is to climb higher together.  It is to ask God to reveal the higher rules of the game by increments so that the challenge increases and boredom is exchanged for exhilaration and adventure.

Listen:  "Hymn For The Missing" by Red

Personal Story
There was a time a number of years ago when I was bored with life.  I was always asking my husband to tell me something interesting or to think of something interesting that we could do but he was always hard-pressed to do so.  And who could blame him?  Dates, vacations, and all kinds of other activities that solve this problem for most people did not solve it for me.  Deep inside me was a feeling of depression and sorrow as if I was mourning something or someone.  I had no idea where it was coming from.  This lasted several years. 

The end of that time period was the beginning of what felt like a total increase in my Rate of Progression and thus an increase in my complete Joy for life.  It was when I came to know God, or more specifically Jesus Christ, better than I ever had before to such a degree that I was literally astonished.  It is hard to astonish me.  I had no idea that choice was even among my choices.  Who knew?  Who knew the kind of adventure it is to come to know who he is?  I guess the prophets know and they have been trying to tell us all for a few thousand years but I think we don’t really get it until it actually happens to us.  I found out that the person I was mourning for was my Savior.  The boredom, the depression, the sorrow was indicating that I needed to draw closer to him in order to feel the level of Joy that comes from both receiving his Charity and developing my own.  Nothing, I repeat nothing, is so beautiful and so sweet and so full of energy and life as he is!

“Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.” 3 Nephi 9:14

“And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.  And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul.” ~1 Nephi 11:22-23

“And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst. Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.” ~Alma 32:42-43

“But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” ~1 Corinthians 2:9

Listen:  “Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinead O’Connor

Chapter 40: Belonging

Our Savior, Jesus Christ came down to earth to demonstrate and teach us exactly what God’s Values are.  The closer a Bridegroom’s sacrifice approaches his, the more he becomes like the Lord to his wife and children. 

The Holy Ghost bears witness of Jesus Christ.  The only way that can be done is if he has come to know our Savior very well.  The only way to come to know him so well is to sacrifice our Survival Strategies and all of the World's conflicting Values for God’s as Christ did.  I have likened (1 Nephi 19:23) a Wise Virgin-wife and her relationship with her Bridegroom-husband to the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost.  The Holy Ghost's special mission is to testify of Christ.    
A Wise Virgin has a special mission to testify of her husband.  She sees the Values of Christ in him and cannot help but to admire and appreciate him for it.  It's almost as if her heart has a life and will of its own.  When she sees attributes that are like Christ's in a man, it fills with the greatest Joy she has ever felt.  She just shakes her head in astonishment and whispers, "He is utterly and completely beautiful!" 

She bears witness of him.  She privately dwells on her love for him (Chastity:  Reciprocity Attraction).  He is the best thing ever!  She speaks of him and how beautiful he is to her children and to others because it brings her Joy.  She doesn’t do this to brag.  She does it to rejoice.

To be a Bridegroom and a Wise Virgin requires husband and wife to be able to trust each other implicitly.  Each trusts that the other is being true to his/her promises and covenants to God when people are watching and when they are not (#Integrity, #Chastity, #Faithfulness).  That’s because both are totally giving up their lives and any other place they could belong for God and for each other.  They have to humbly depend on the other for their Joy.  Their whole commitment is to not derive it from other sources if that causes too steep of a slope between them.  When one falls short of the other, the Savior carries them and the Holy Ghost comforts them while they get to the place where they can repent, forgive each other, and resume their progression.  The hope is that eventually they will become so much like the Savior and the Holy Ghost that they will fall short of each other less and less (John 10:34, 1 Corinthians 11:11).

So you see how important it is in a Soulmates Marriage to consider both our relationship with God and our relationship with our spouse.  The second is dependent upon the first.  Knowing these laws enables husband and wife who both desire to obtain a Soulmates Marriage above all other things to take hold of the reigns and guide their marriage to Sustainable Attraction.  It is completely within their control.  The choice is theirs.  Yet it doesn’t belong to just one.  It must be a mutually consistent balanced desire and commitment.

Chapter 48: Discernment

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether the over-the-top Adversity we’re experiencing is real or the self-inflicted kind.  Some of the sacrifices we do on a daily basis for our spouse, family, community, and God are seemingly self-inflicted.  We have made commitments and are bound to keep them.  If we stopped keeping them, which choice is completely within our control, the Adversity on us would decrease but it would then unavoidably increase for them.  We can also toggle these variables by slowing down our commitment making/keeping or speeding it up.  

Commitment Making and Keeping
For example, sometimes we are faced with the difficult decision of just how far we should withdraw our commitment to our spouse.  Our remaining in a close relationship with him means we are making/keeping certain commitments to him that fill his inherent needs and vice versa.  If these commitments are continuously being made but not kept on one or both sides, the relationship is going to be imbalanced if it remains that close.   Pulling away from expecting our spouse to keep his commitments to us is an option.  But who we choose to go to in order to fill our inherent needs in the meantime can be either a Deal Breaker or it can be part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  

When we go to the Savior himself to nourish us, while our spouse is trying to regain his ability to make/keep the commitment to fill our inherent needs, we are going to an authorized source.  Going to family members, friends, ecclesiastical leaders, or other marriage counselors for help and support during tough times may also be appropriate resources.  Who to go to and who not to go to requires the ability of discernment.  This is when it becomes very important to have developed a strong communication relationship with the Head of our Marriage Counselor Team.  God allows us to develop fulfilling relationships with other family members, friends, church leaders, and counselors that do not cross his boundaries into inappropriate relationships.  They actually help sustain the marriage, rather than cause it to crumble.  Figuring out whether another relationship we're developing is supportive to our marriage or destructive requires the Discernment of God's opinion.  

For example, if both spouses have developed strong relationships with their families, they may not need to depend upon each other so intensely.  Yet their relationship may remain sustainable even with a number of additional friendships and counselors because they do rely on each other to a sufficient degree--to the satisfaction of both.

Conflict arises when one spouse is getting his needs met from other sources and the other is not.  These sources may be traditional Deal Breakers such as extra-marital relationships, pornography, gambling addictions, drug/alcohol addictions, etc.  We've talked about these and most people acknowledge these as marital Deal Breakers.  But a marriage can also become imbalanced by the addition of sources that are traditionally acceptable such as other family members, friends, co-workers, etc.  Even if they are traditionally acceptable--meaning accepted by our community--they may still be causing the marriage to be imbalanced because one spouse is getting his needs met in other relationships and the other spouse is not.  If she is relying completely on him because she does not have strong enough bonds with others then the relationship will be imbalanced.  He is filled and doesn't need to make and keep commitments with her as much she needs to with him.

The reason she hasn't developed strong enough bonds in other relationships may be that she needs to develop better relationship skills.  So if she turns to her Savior and other members of her Marriage Counselor team to develop these relationship skills, she will become more balanced and thus the marriage will rebalance.  This is one example of what it means to get the "beam" out of our own eye before we try to get the "mote" out of our spouse's eye.  We identify our own weaknesses and seek the Savior's guidance to develop them into strengths.  We don't want to attribute the cause of the problem to our spouse alone and expect that balance will be achieved as soon as he fixes himself. 

"Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye." ~Luke 6:42 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." ~Ether 12:27

But if one spouse works to resolve her own personal weaknesses over an extended period of time and still is not able to develop close enough relationships with others, then the other spouse has a responsibility to separate from his other relationships and combine more with his wife if he wants his marriage to be sustainable.

That's why every relationship is different.  If a marriage is not working, these variables have to be looked at.  It's not one size fits all.  So again, this is when discernment is crucial to resolving the conflict.  We need to objectively understand our selves and circle of support as well as our spouse's.  

The Workings of our Hearts
In order to discern whether our Adversity is real (authorized--motes and beams out of our eyes) or self-inflicted (Deal Breaker), we need to be able to understand the workings of our hearts.  When we develop a strong communication relationship with God, our ability to discern increases.  One of God’s primary communication methods is through our hearts.  That’s why we’ve been talking about the feelings of Hope, Peace, Energy, Joy, Attraction, and Charity.  We can’t make our hearts feel these things.  They come as an effect.  They are God's response to what we do.  When we as individuals dance in balance--within our own personal capacity--we experience Joy as a confirmation of that balance.  When we dance too fast for our strength, we experience stress, hunger, fear, anger, and tension.  When we dance too slow for our strength, we experience boredom, depression, lethargy, and stagnancy.  These emotions signify the balance of our personal relationship with God.  They are merciful feelings that guide us through confirmation and warnings.  We know we're headed in the right direction when we feel Joy--the combination of Peace and Energy.  We know we're deviating if we experience too much Stress or Boredom. 


The Politics of Dancing Revisited
The cause of our emotional balance vs. imbalance gets even trickier when we depend on someone other than God for our Peace and Energy, like our spouse.  We experience Joy when we are dancing in balance with our spouse and Stress/Boredom  when we are dancing in imbalance with him.  Since we are supposed to depend on our spouse, our family, and our Zion community for these things, and everyone has a tendency to become imbalanced to one degree or another, we are going to experience Joy and Stress/ Boredom as a part of life.  These are the ups and downs.  This is the Rock'n Roll Dance.  These are the Politics of Dancing.  But when we develop our relationship with Jesus Christ, we can rely on his Redeeming Peace and Energy when those around us are unable to provide this for us over extended periods of time.  

We can take a certain degree of imbalance.  But when we are subject to imbalance for long periods of time Stress and Boredom turn into chronic Fear-anger AND Depression-loneliness.  Learning to turn to our Savior and other authorized relationships when the going gets tough prevents us from deteriorating into these states of bondage.  Knowing how to read our hearts enables us to know when to slow down our commitment making/keeping to our spouse and when to speed it up. 

When both spouses dance in balance with each other, both experience Sustainable Joy.  When one spouse chronically dances too fast or too slow for the other, both will experience Fear and Depression.  This creates a lot of chronic contention in the relationship.

Starting early in the relationship to maintain our Balance in Christ even while everything else is Rockn' and Rolln' around us enables us to serve as a spiritual anchor to our spouse and others in times of trouble.  It helps us avoid getting sucked into a black-hole like marriage.  Learning to depend more upon our Savior’s Peace enables us to continue dancing in balance even when our spouse and other loved ones we depend upon become imbalanced.  That’s faith.  It can be strengthened.  It is a work in progress.  As we increase our faith in Christ, we will be able to voluntarily take on higher levels of Adversity without toppling over.  Our sacrifice level is only as strong as the person or group of people we depend upon for Peace.  

In order to achieve a Soulmates Marriage it must be the primary goal of both spouses to establish this firm foundation with our Savior, spouse, family, and community.  To do that requires DISCERNING the specific variables, extended relationships, and inherent dispositions of each spouse.  

"He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved." ~Psalm 62:2