We should not consider divorce as an option. Not considering it requires a leap of faith if attraction has waned in our marriage. But our commitment is to follow the general rules of trying to make it work with voluntary sacrifice and hope in our Savior Jesus Christ,
while we pay attention to the personal guidance of the Holy Ghost to
know where to serve and where to withhold service. We don’t want to
entertain thoughts, talk about, or behave like our marriage is an
exception to the rule. We obey the general laws of God. We assume we
need to stay married and work it out. We don’t hope to be an exception
to the rule because that’s the harder pathway.
We do this because regardless of whether our marriage with our specific spouse is going to work out or not, we should actively behave as the spouse we want to be for the spouse we want to be married to. This is having faith in things which are true but as yet are unseen (Alma 32:21). In faith we allow our Marriage Counselor to retrain and rebuild us, remaking us into a Soulmate who has the capacity to develop a Soulmates Marriage with the spouse we want to be with for eternity. In faith we wait for him to engage in the same process with our spouse.
Bible Story: Ruth
Ruth's husband dies. The Law of Moses stated that if a woman's husband dies, his nearest kinsman can/should marry her to "to raise up the name of the dead upon his inheritance" (Ruth 4:5). I know this is strange to us moderns, but I liken it to relationship truths and see the law of mercy in it.
Back Story: Naomi is married to Elimelech. They have two sons. Because of a famine in Bethlehem they move to Moab. In Moab their two sons marry two Moabitish women. One of these is Ruth. Over time Elimelech passes away. Ruth's husband passes away along with his brother when they are still relatively young. Naomi and her two daughters in law are left to fend for themselves. She hears that the famine has abated in Bethlehem and so determines to move back there. Ruth stays with Naomi but the other daughter goes back to her own people. After arriving in Bethlehem in much sorrow and grief because of the deaths of their husbands, Ruth and Naomi are poor so Ruth goes out to be a gleaner. This is someone who gleans along the edges of people's grain fields, which is another merciful law in the Law of Moses. Ruth happens to glean in a field that belongs to Boaz, who "is a kinsman of [Naomi's] husband, a mighty man of wealth." When he comes to the field and sees Ruth working there, he tells her in so many words that it is his desire to care for her. He wants her to stay in his fields and not think she has to go find food anywhere else. She is so thankful for this care and stays in his fields. As time goes by, Naomi wants to seek "rest" for Ruth. Ruth has no husband. She works all day. I assume she's dealing with a lot of loneliness because of that. She has the natural desire for a close friendship and romance with a man. Naomi knows that marriage with a good man--the right, lawful man--is what Ruth needs. So she instructs Ruth to petition Boaz, who is that lawful kinsman, for marriage. She does. This is Boaz' response:
“And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman. And now it is true that I am thy near kinsman: howbeit there is a kinsman nearer than I. Tarry this night, and it shall be in the morning, that if he will perform unto thee the part of a kinsman, well; let him do the kinsman’s part: but if he will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then will I do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the Lord liveth: lie down until the morning.” ~Ruth 3:11-13
Boaz then finds the nearest kinsman, who upon being informed of the opportunity to redeem Ruth as his wife with all of the attendant privileges and responsibilities, declines. So Boaz ends up marrying Ruth himself (Ruth 4).
Read the story of Ruth if you are having marriage troubles and striving with everything you know to have faith in Jesus Christ and repent of your sins (thou art a virtuous woman). Liken yourself to Ruth. Liken your spouse to a combination of Ruth’s husband and the nearest kinsman. Liken her husband's death to addiction to Deal Breakers. Liken the Lord and his plan for you to Boaz, the next nearest kinsman. He will work with your spouse to invite him to develop the skills to “perform unto thee the part of a kinsman” or the part of a Soulmate. Increase the time frame for this part of the story to several years. If your spouse “will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then [the Lord] will do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the Lord liveth.” He will provide another for you. You will be redeemed.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is also a part of faith and repentance. If we want to be forgiven for our mistakes, we need to forgive our spouse. If he’s not coming along immediately, we give it time by turning in faith to our Marriage Counselor for support (Boaz). He sustains us while he works with our spouse in his own repentance process. This gets pretty hard. If we are continuing on the journey, learning the more advanced levels of sacrifice and our spouse is not, it is hard to have to be the one who is sacrificing more for the marriage.
Being ahead of our spouse on the journey means that we sacrifice at a higher level than he does. We’re repenting more often and reaching for higher level Soulmates skills. That’s what it means to be closer to God (see "What Lack I Yet" by Elder Larry R Lawrence). But there’s very little glory in this, at least at present because if it’s the real kind of sacrifice, we commit to being the servant in the relationship as Christ directed, not a superior queen that goes first and has everyone serving her. We know more so we’re accountable for more.
"But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many." ~Mark 10:42-45
Listen: Because I Have Been Given Much
So
do you see this balance that needs to be kept between both spouses? If
one spouse sits down by the side of the road in the Soulmates Journey
and ceases developing his relationship with God for whatever reason and
the second presses onward, the second will develop the capacity to
sacrifice at a higher level than the first. And there goes that
balance! We can’t demand that the other sacrifice for us. We can ask
for our needs, discuss them with him but then we have to leave that in
his hands. Our main concern should be sacrificing for him, taking care
of his needs. That makes it Paradoxical. When sacrifice is forced, it
ceases being about love so even while we’re acting as the servant in the
relationship we can’t entertain thoughts like, “Might as well be his
slave.” It has to be done voluntarily and with faith in Christ.
And
this gets tricky when it appears on the outside that he is sacrificing
enough by doing so many nice things for us when behind the scenes he is
engaged in Deal Breakers that we have no idea about. It makes us think,
“Well what’s wrong with me? Why is this relationship such a heavy
burden for me to carry?” It makes us think like we’re the jerk and
incapable of loving. This is when we’re not even aware that we need to
be the one forgiving because we have no idea what we need to
forgive him for. It is very unfortunate if this goes on for years. And
if we’re the one constantly repenting over a considerable period of
time and our spouse is going no where because of the hidden Deal
Breakers, what’s going to happen to our relationship?
Even if this is going on we shouldn’t speak ill of our spouse to others. We need to take the hit if others know our marriage isn’t going so well. Speaking ill of him will cause us to defect to the Survival of the Fittest Team to protect ourselves. It’s very difficult, but we need to stay true to Paradoxical Strategies so God can protect us from the subtle or overt persecution of others (and our own thoughts). This requires us to exercise even greater faith to serve those people voluntarily without a grudge. We not only sacrifice for our spouse but for those people too. We take his hits and theirs. Might as well throw another dozen on our back. What the heck! We resolve to constructively talk only to our Marriage Counselor about the things that are bothering us. If we don’t do this we’ll never make it through these trials to obtaining a Soulmates Marriage.
Many
of us take for granted that our spouse committed to marry us years
ago. We think, “He committed to me and if he divorces me, he’s breaking
that commitment to me and God. He’s too devoted to God to ever break
as serious a commitment as this one. If he does he won’t be showing
mercy and unconditional love to me and that's not right.
I don’t have to do anything to attract him and make this easier on
him. I can do whatever I want, say anything I want, eat whatever I
want, be whatever I want, be with whomever I want.” Is that love? I
don’t think so. We can say goodbye to attraction if this is our
mentality.
When we try to manipulate or guilt our spouse into showing us mercy while we continue to break our commitment to him, it is like taking the Lord's name in vain. We need to review what Exodus 20:7 says: "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain."
Instead of manipulation, we need to seek anew to Paradoxically win our spouse's love, admiration, attraction, and respect. The best way to do this is to develop our communication relationship with our Marriage Counselor and allow him to help us overcome our Deal Breaker habits that require our spouse to carry a heavier burden than he can handle. Our Marriage Counselor can also tell us about the specific things we can do to attract our spouse.
Divorce
I have frequently heard divorce talked about as a sin. But it is sin that causes the divorce. Fornication is sin. The Deal Breakers are the sin. Engaging in these processes REPEATEDLY without repentance (without admitting it, stopping it, apologizing, going to the appropriate priesthood authorities if necessary, making restitution and recommitting) is the sin that, if continuous, causes a marriage to cease being what God designed it to be. It causes it to become more like bondage than bonds of love. We all mess up. We all have issues. We all have baggage, bad habits, addictions, a lack of Soulmates skills, stuff we need to resolve. But if we don’t proactively repent of them through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can cause the decrease or total loss of attraction in our marriage.
"And behold, when that time cometh, none shall be found blameless before God, except it be little children, only through repentance and faith on the name of the Lord God Omnipotent." ~Mosiah 3:21
Caution, Caution, Caution
We need to repent but we don’t want to overdo that. It is not correct to think that we need to repent for the good things we do and say and are. We can overdo this mentality if we think all the marriage problems are caused by our mistakes. That is Toxic Shame. In Toxic Shame we may believe that it’s not fair for our spouse to carry any of our burdens. But that is so imbalanced. That’s taking this whole thing too far. There is a balance in all things and the wise person looks for it. If we try to change too fast or take too much upon us, it’s all going to backfire. We give our honest effort, allow our spouse to give his, carry the burdens we have, whatever they are, and focus on the guidance of our Marriage Counselor. When it’s time to grow, he will let us know. We’ll have the desire for deeper attraction. We’ll be getting bored with life. We’ll need to learn more advanced Soulmates Marriage strategies.
We seek to repent because we love, not because we are afraid of people finding out. I think real love and Sustainable Attraction are the same thing. How can these be sustainable unless we voluntarily sacrifice, not out of force, not out of self-deprecating-toxic-shame, but out of sincere love and the hope for a Soulmates Marriage.
Even
if our spouse is engaging in Deal Breakers, we take the higher road and
depend on Jesus Christ, not on our own Deal Breakers. That is the key!
Because of him, no matter what our spouse does or withholds from us,
our agency remains our own in how we will respond. We can't turn to Deal Breakers just because he is.
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." ~Viktor E. Frankl
There’s just no time while we remain upon this earth when we can say we’re done exercising our faith and repenting. That’s our responsibility. We need to own up to our own mistakes and sins which will continue to happen throughout the entire Soulmates Journey regardless of how much or how little our spouse is making mistakes. Conversely we need to stand steadfast in our Marriage Counselor’s laws. If we’re living them and being persecuted for doing so, oh well. This is where we stand (see Martin Luther). When we have that attitude and live by it, we can see clearly and hear God’s direction for us (Motes&Beams).
Listen: "Guilty" by Newsboys
We do this because regardless of whether our marriage with our specific spouse is going to work out or not, we should actively behave as the spouse we want to be for the spouse we want to be married to. This is having faith in things which are true but as yet are unseen (Alma 32:21). In faith we allow our Marriage Counselor to retrain and rebuild us, remaking us into a Soulmate who has the capacity to develop a Soulmates Marriage with the spouse we want to be with for eternity. In faith we wait for him to engage in the same process with our spouse.
Ruth's husband dies. The Law of Moses stated that if a woman's husband dies, his nearest kinsman can/should marry her to "to raise up the name of the dead upon his inheritance" (Ruth 4:5). I know this is strange to us moderns, but I liken it to relationship truths and see the law of mercy in it.
Back Story: Naomi is married to Elimelech. They have two sons. Because of a famine in Bethlehem they move to Moab. In Moab their two sons marry two Moabitish women. One of these is Ruth. Over time Elimelech passes away. Ruth's husband passes away along with his brother when they are still relatively young. Naomi and her two daughters in law are left to fend for themselves. She hears that the famine has abated in Bethlehem and so determines to move back there. Ruth stays with Naomi but the other daughter goes back to her own people. After arriving in Bethlehem in much sorrow and grief because of the deaths of their husbands, Ruth and Naomi are poor so Ruth goes out to be a gleaner. This is someone who gleans along the edges of people's grain fields, which is another merciful law in the Law of Moses. Ruth happens to glean in a field that belongs to Boaz, who "is a kinsman of [Naomi's] husband, a mighty man of wealth." When he comes to the field and sees Ruth working there, he tells her in so many words that it is his desire to care for her. He wants her to stay in his fields and not think she has to go find food anywhere else. She is so thankful for this care and stays in his fields. As time goes by, Naomi wants to seek "rest" for Ruth. Ruth has no husband. She works all day. I assume she's dealing with a lot of loneliness because of that. She has the natural desire for a close friendship and romance with a man. Naomi knows that marriage with a good man--the right, lawful man--is what Ruth needs. So she instructs Ruth to petition Boaz, who is that lawful kinsman, for marriage. She does. This is Boaz' response:
“And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman. And now it is true that I am thy near kinsman: howbeit there is a kinsman nearer than I. Tarry this night, and it shall be in the morning, that if he will perform unto thee the part of a kinsman, well; let him do the kinsman’s part: but if he will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then will I do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the Lord liveth: lie down until the morning.” ~Ruth 3:11-13
Boaz then finds the nearest kinsman, who upon being informed of the opportunity to redeem Ruth as his wife with all of the attendant privileges and responsibilities, declines. So Boaz ends up marrying Ruth himself (Ruth 4).
Read the story of Ruth if you are having marriage troubles and striving with everything you know to have faith in Jesus Christ and repent of your sins (thou art a virtuous woman). Liken yourself to Ruth. Liken your spouse to a combination of Ruth’s husband and the nearest kinsman. Liken her husband's death to addiction to Deal Breakers. Liken the Lord and his plan for you to Boaz, the next nearest kinsman. He will work with your spouse to invite him to develop the skills to “perform unto thee the part of a kinsman” or the part of a Soulmate. Increase the time frame for this part of the story to several years. If your spouse “will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then [the Lord] will do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the Lord liveth.” He will provide another for you. You will be redeemed.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is also a part of faith and repentance. If we want to be forgiven for our mistakes, we need to forgive our spouse. If he’s not coming along immediately, we give it time by turning in faith to our Marriage Counselor for support (Boaz). He sustains us while he works with our spouse in his own repentance process. This gets pretty hard. If we are continuing on the journey, learning the more advanced levels of sacrifice and our spouse is not, it is hard to have to be the one who is sacrificing more for the marriage.
Being ahead of our spouse on the journey means that we sacrifice at a higher level than he does. We’re repenting more often and reaching for higher level Soulmates skills. That’s what it means to be closer to God (see "What Lack I Yet" by Elder Larry R Lawrence). But there’s very little glory in this, at least at present because if it’s the real kind of sacrifice, we commit to being the servant in the relationship as Christ directed, not a superior queen that goes first and has everyone serving her. We know more so we’re accountable for more.
"But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many." ~Mark 10:42-45
Listen: Because I Have Been Given Much
Even if this is going on we shouldn’t speak ill of our spouse to others. We need to take the hit if others know our marriage isn’t going so well. Speaking ill of him will cause us to defect to the Survival of the Fittest Team to protect ourselves. It’s very difficult, but we need to stay true to Paradoxical Strategies so God can protect us from the subtle or overt persecution of others (and our own thoughts). This requires us to exercise even greater faith to serve those people voluntarily without a grudge. We not only sacrifice for our spouse but for those people too. We take his hits and theirs. Might as well throw another dozen on our back. What the heck! We resolve to constructively talk only to our Marriage Counselor about the things that are bothering us. If we don’t do this we’ll never make it through these trials to obtaining a Soulmates Marriage.
When we try to manipulate or guilt our spouse into showing us mercy while we continue to break our commitment to him, it is like taking the Lord's name in vain. We need to review what Exodus 20:7 says: "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain."
Instead of manipulation, we need to seek anew to Paradoxically win our spouse's love, admiration, attraction, and respect. The best way to do this is to develop our communication relationship with our Marriage Counselor and allow him to help us overcome our Deal Breaker habits that require our spouse to carry a heavier burden than he can handle. Our Marriage Counselor can also tell us about the specific things we can do to attract our spouse.
Divorce
I have frequently heard divorce talked about as a sin. But it is sin that causes the divorce. Fornication is sin. The Deal Breakers are the sin. Engaging in these processes REPEATEDLY without repentance (without admitting it, stopping it, apologizing, going to the appropriate priesthood authorities if necessary, making restitution and recommitting) is the sin that, if continuous, causes a marriage to cease being what God designed it to be. It causes it to become more like bondage than bonds of love. We all mess up. We all have issues. We all have baggage, bad habits, addictions, a lack of Soulmates skills, stuff we need to resolve. But if we don’t proactively repent of them through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can cause the decrease or total loss of attraction in our marriage.
"And behold, when that time cometh, none shall be found blameless before God, except it be little children, only through repentance and faith on the name of the Lord God Omnipotent." ~Mosiah 3:21
We need to repent but we don’t want to overdo that. It is not correct to think that we need to repent for the good things we do and say and are. We can overdo this mentality if we think all the marriage problems are caused by our mistakes. That is Toxic Shame. In Toxic Shame we may believe that it’s not fair for our spouse to carry any of our burdens. But that is so imbalanced. That’s taking this whole thing too far. There is a balance in all things and the wise person looks for it. If we try to change too fast or take too much upon us, it’s all going to backfire. We give our honest effort, allow our spouse to give his, carry the burdens we have, whatever they are, and focus on the guidance of our Marriage Counselor. When it’s time to grow, he will let us know. We’ll have the desire for deeper attraction. We’ll be getting bored with life. We’ll need to learn more advanced Soulmates Marriage strategies.
We seek to repent because we love, not because we are afraid of people finding out. I think real love and Sustainable Attraction are the same thing. How can these be sustainable unless we voluntarily sacrifice, not out of force, not out of self-deprecating-toxic-shame, but out of sincere love and the hope for a Soulmates Marriage.
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." ~Viktor E. Frankl
There’s just no time while we remain upon this earth when we can say we’re done exercising our faith and repenting. That’s our responsibility. We need to own up to our own mistakes and sins which will continue to happen throughout the entire Soulmates Journey regardless of how much or how little our spouse is making mistakes. Conversely we need to stand steadfast in our Marriage Counselor’s laws. If we’re living them and being persecuted for doing so, oh well. This is where we stand (see Martin Luther). When we have that attitude and live by it, we can see clearly and hear God’s direction for us (Motes&Beams).
Listen: "Guilty" by Newsboys
