Chapter 2: Deal Breakers

One of the biggest detractors from obtaining and then maintaining a Soulmates Marriage is having two or more women or men towards whom we're nourishing our attraction.  We may have a passing attraction to many people because we see that they indeed are attractive human beings.  I've learned through my own experience that there's no getting around that.  But overly dwelling on these thoughts or engaging in what I call Reciprocity Attraction thoughts, words, and/or actions with someone other than our spouse is when conflict in marriage arises.  These kinds of relationships are what I call Deal Breakers.
  
Reciprocity Attraction is the practice of exchanging thoughts, words, or actions with others for mutual benefit, especially privileges granted by one person to another. 

If we want a Soulmates Marriage, we have to choose one person with whom to develop that and ignore all the other attractive potentials.  If we want Reciprocity Attraction relationships with multiple people, we cannot have a Soulmates Marriage.

Deal Breakers Scripture:  Matthew 19:9
"And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."

Fornication seems like a dirty word.  But I try to look at it objectively so I don't say, "NOT ME!"  I say instead, "At what level am I doing this in my life and how can I change it?"  We may not be having an all out affair with another person but we may be in need of controlling our thoughts.  I understand the word fornication to mean what I referred to as Deal Breakers in the previous paragraph:  engaging in Reciprocity Attraction thoughts, words, and/or actions with someone other than our spouse.  It is the opposite of Chastity, which would be:  actively engaging in Reciprocity Attraction thoughts, words, and/or actions with our spouse.  Even if a spouse doesn't officially go out and marry someone else as the scripture says, engaging in Deal Breakers openly or covertly changes the way husband and wife think and feel about each other as evidenced by the following scriptures which can apply to both men and women: 

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."  Matthew 5:27-28 

"For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders...All these evil things come from within, and defile the man." Mark 7:21, 23 

And these Deal Breaker thoughts are what begin to kill-off attraction between husband and wife.  

Personal Example
A couple of years after I was married I was often bored and lonely.  I was home with our first infant son without a second vehicle and did not know what to do with myself or with him as a young, new, relatively clueless mother.  I started to sense my attraction to other men with whom I associated at church.  They had qualities and strengths that I admired, some similar to my husband's, some different.  But I was surprised at this attraction because I had thought that once I was married I wouldn't be attracted to any other man.  That had been the case up until that point anyway.  So I talked to my husband about it.  He thought it was funny and basically said he trusted I would never act on such thoughts.  That was true and I didn't actually want to be married to any of them instead of my husband--never had that thought cross my mind. Neither did I have any sexual thoughts about them.  But there was more truth I needed to understand, which didn't dawn upon my conscience until years later.  Until then I just gave place in my heart for these little waves of fancy to carry me whither they would.  

And they carried me towards Reciprocity Attraction thoughts:  I wondered if these other men also found #1, ME, MYSELF, AND I attractive.  What does so and so think about me?  What would so and so think about what I just said or what I'm wearing today?  I think it's good to admire and appreciate the beauty in others (Article of Faith 13). The issue is when we go on to thinking about what all of these beautiful people think about us.  I know this doesn't ruin a marriage right then and there.  But if we consider that what makes being in love so utterly and completely amazing is the Reciprocity Attraction thoughts and feelings we're constantly entertaining about each other (#Chastity--this is seriously where it is!), we can see how this is the first step to violating our Soulmates relationship with our spouse.

It was probably about 2003 when I found myself thinking a lot about an old boyfriend--a relationship in which I never really had satisfactory closure.  I think I was remembering the Attraction I had towards him more than anything else and wishing that could last in marriage.  I would have dreams every once in a while of him being attracted enough to me that I actually won his heart.  I don't know about other women, but I imagine most of us have these kinds of dreams (if we have them at all) as opposed to the sexual kind.  I would wake up from these dreams and feel pretty intense about this kind of relationship in which both people we're very much attracted to each other.  Then I would entertain thoughts about my old boyfriend throughout the day.  I didn't realize it was affecting my marriage at all.  My spouse didn't know I was thinking about these things.  I thought it was all in my private world that didn't affect anyone...but me.  And that's the problem, isn't it?

By 2005 I started asking questions in my mind and subconsciously of God about Sustainable Attraction in marriage, although I didn't have a name for it at the time.  One day, I had an epiphany.  In hindsight I would call it personal revelation.  The instructions were:  "If you ever want to develop this kind of relationship with your husband--the man you're with right now--you need to delete these thoughts about your old boyfriend and any other man."  The Spirit didn't say Sustainable Attraction in Marriage was impossible so I could just forget about that.  He was giving me instructions about how I could obtain that within the boundaries the Lord sets.  So I deleted the thoughts.  And that meant whenever they drifted in my mind, as soon as I realized what I was doing, I banished them.  Hard at first and then I got good at it like the development of any habit. And I'm telling you, after I did that my entire life changed to become a major adventure!
 

Deal Breakers

= 

Fornication 

= 

Adultery 

= 

Engaging in Reciprocity-Attraction thoughts, words, and/or actions with someone other than our spouse

This is why pornography would also be a Deal Breaker.  Some people think it is harmless.  But it's not.  Men may think it is all in their private world that doesn't affect anyone...but themselves.  And that's the problem, isn't it?  

"...whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."  ~Matthew 19:9

Before we get too far ahead of ourselves and into pointing figures, let's remember that there are reasons men and women turn to Deal Breakers in the first place and that one spouse doing it seems to fuel the other as Jesus said.

Listen:  Faithfully by Journey