Chapter 32: Marriage Meetings

In 2007, I was guided by the head of our Marriage Counselor Team to start having what I called Marriage Meetings with my spouse.  The purpose of these meetings was to increase our ability to communicate with each other.  We wanted to be in a better offensive position to fight for our marriage by proactively setting goals and resolving conflicts together.  Our first goal was to improve communication in our marriage.  We both committed to meeting once a week to talk about our goals.  We committed to  eliminating the sarcasm or any other form of communication which detracted from the Spirit.  If we couldn’t keep the Spirit with us during the meeting then it would have to end and resume after we individually went to our Marriage Counselor and worked out with him whatever was causing us to be upset (#Repent).  During these meetings we began to learn each other’s Love Language.  It was a time out from the game.  It was a time to explain what sacrifices meant the most to each of us. 

Having these kinds of teaching conversations while we’re “in the game” is not the best time.  Feelings are overly sensitive if we are censured in the moment like that.  It’s best to wait for a time out.  The optimal place to resolve conflicts is in regularly scheduled Marriage Meetings where both spouses are able to objectively talk about their relationship and past events.  This is the place to discuss language barriers and translation issues.  It’s also the place to discuss language and translation successes.  Then it’s up to both partners to REMEMBER what they have learned when back in the game.  When in the game, the rules are to forgive and to serve first and allow our spouse to sacrifice for us voluntarily AND make mistakes (not remember what was agreed upon during Marriage Meetings).  Serving first is speaking our spouse’s Love Language and having no demands for him to remember what ours is.  Love cannot be forced.  It has to come voluntarily.

Integrity:  The Impact of our Love Language
What we think, say, do, or how we dress during the game whether seen or unseen is the language we use to communicate to our spouse the love we have for him.  These are the specific words we use to communicate a deeper meaning that exists independent of those words.  That deeper meaning is the love inside of us for him.  Everyone has a capacity to love.  Some have a greater capacity and some have a lesser capacity.  This is equivalent to our personal meaning—our personal name.  We can use the specific words and even act out the Love Language but if we are engaging in Deal Breakers behind the scenes, the meaning communicated will not have as much impact as if we weren’t.  If we really mean we love someone, then we voluntarily sacrifice to make that statement true.  Temptations come but we do not yield.  Adversity comes but we use our faith to maintain our balance.  We repent as soon as possible when we make mistakes.  We are honest with our spouse and tell him when we have been making mistakes.  That's what Marriage Meetings are for.  We take the time to study with our Marriage Counselor to identify what the heck is causing us to make the same mistakes over and over again.  We do this when others are watching and when no one is watching.  That is integrity.  The more integrity we have, the more we mean what we say.  Our Love Language becomes more powerful.  Every interaction with our spouse, even if it is small, communicates the meaning of love at an intense level.  

But if we sacrifice just to be seen by others when we’ve got stuff going on behind the scenes that communicates something entirely different and we don’t repent for an extended period of time, the impact of our Love Language is going to become very dull.  No matter how much we sacrifice in other ways that are seen, it will not be powerful enough.  It will not compensate.  "Failure in the home" is failure to keep the Soulmates Marriage rules with integrity.

"Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be seasoned? It is neither fit for the land, nor yet for the dunghill; but men cast it out. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear." ~Luke 14:34-35

"Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly." ~Matt 6:1-4