Chapter 25: Evaluating Marriage Counselors

When we evaluate Values, and thus Counselors, Religions and Churches, we’re not looking to say one is better than another so haha.  It’s not a Pride/Envy competition.  We’re evaluating the Values of Counselors to assess how Intense and Sustainable the results are when we follow their prescribed process.  Whichever Counselor prescribes Values that end with the Intensity level of Sustainable results we specifically desire is the Counselor we want to choose.

For example, let’s say we want to lose weight.  One Counselor recommends we take diet pills that will decrease our appetite.  When we follow this diet it works for a time.  We lose some weight but the pills also cause other problems (side effects) in our body so we can’t continue taking them long term.  When we go off the pills we gain all the weight back.  Those results had low Sustainability.  Since we wanted to maintain the weight loss, we determine that the diet-pill Counselor was not a good one for us.

Another Counselor recommends we eat a balanced diet of whole foods, avoiding refined grains and sugars, exercising moderately but regularly, and drinking plenty of water.  Additionally he prescribes developing closer relationships with God, our spouse, or other God-approved relationships including friendships, talents, and abilities.  This diet takes more time to see the expected results.  We don’t lose a lot of weight at first.  Over time the weight loss is slow but steady.  As long as we stay on the diet, avoiding the temptation to eat refined grains and sugars AND we are developing our talents and closer relationships with others, our results are highly Sustainable.  Since we wanted to maintain the weight loss, we determine that this Counselor was a good one for us.

When evaluating the Intensity level of a Value, we would need to evaluate how strict the diet is.  A good diet decreases total Calories and increases exercise intensity a little at a time.  We've all heard of crash diets where people drastically reduce Calories to lose weight at an intense rate, only to face the powerful rebellion of the body, which overwhelms the spirit and causes them to increase Calorie consumption at an equally intense rate.  But if we take it slowly and methodically, we can incrementally decrease total Calories and increase exercise in order to achieve Sustainable results.  The Intensity level would not be how fast we lost weight but how close to our ideal weight we wanted to live.  Living close to our ideal weight requires us to eat and exercise at a certain level for the rest of our lives.  We don't just go on a short term diet, lose the weight and then start eating more and exercising less again.  We have to get to a place where we willingly accept the continuous sacrifice and are still happy.

"For he who is not able to abide the law of a celestial kingdom cannot abide a celestial glory." ~D&C 88:22

So to recap:  Sustainability is how long we are able to maintain our weight.  Intensity is how close to our ideal weight we can maintain continuously in happiness.  All of us desire Sustainability but each of us desires different levels of Intensity.

Application
A Soulmates Marriage is a highly Sustainable Result.  Those of us who desire to obtain this result are looking for the Values that will return Sustainable Attraction.  When we select Counselors for our Marriage Counselor Team, we are hoping they can teach us these Values.  Some Counselors may have Values that when implemented may produce sparks of intense Attraction up front but don't last.  This is like the crash diet-pill diet.  Other Counselors have Values that return a more long term but lower intensity level of Attraction that doesn’t quite satisfy both spouses.  This is like going on a diet that doesn't progress to incrementally more strict levels so we never get as close to our ideal weight as we desire.  It doesn't take into account our own Agency and guide us to identify just how Intense we desire our results to become.  The Counselor we want is the one whose Values are selectively progressive in their Intensity and Sustainability.

"All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men, another flesh of beasts, another of fishes, and another of birds. There are also celestial bodies, and bodies terrestrial: but the glory of the celestial is one, and the glory of the terrestrial is another. There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars: for one star differeth from another star in glory." ~1 Corinthians 15:39-41

Also see:  Degrees of Glory

When we test out a Counselor in order to determine if he is right for us, we begin by testing out the Values he prescribes.

"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." ~Alma 32:27

A Counselor  has a number of prescribed processes (Values) to obtain a Soulmates Marriage.  We need to choose one of them and test it out using the Scientific Method of which we have previously spoken.  When we test a Value out, we first think about it, write about, and talk about it with our spouse, a trusted family member, or friend.  We compare it to other processes we may have used in the past or other processes that are generally known to be true (like we have just done with dieting to lose weight).  During this time we examine our hearts.  Since the Holy Ghost testifies of truth, we will be able to sense the intensity and sustainability of his presence as we consider this Value with real intent.  Real intent means we need to get past our doubts and preexisting conflicting Values.  We can’t experiment on a Value unless we actually desire to believe it is true even if it ends up not being true.  If we have a conflicting Value inside of us that we’re holding onto, it will serve as a confounding variable.  We actually have to make a choice between them.  Usually that choice is a leap of faith.  And usually that leap of faith can only be accomplished by putting the Value into action.  The longer we engage in an action process, the more we will be able to analyze our feelings—the Sustainable presence and Intensity of the Holy Ghost or the lack of it.  These feelings will change from what they were before we started the experiment (baseline reading) or they will remain the same.  As we examine our results, we come to a conclusion:  The Value was indeed a good one because the results are increasing Attraction in our marriage OR the Value was a dud because the results are not affecting the Attraction in our marriage OR the Value was a bad one because the results are decreasing Attraction in our marriage.

"If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself." ~John 7:17

Yet, because of Agency and the confounding variables that gift introduces into an experiment, the most accurate measurement of our results is our own relationship with God.  When we implement this Value into our marriage, is our relationship with God improving?  Do we feel the Holy Ghost more intensely and consistently in our lives?  Why is this the most accurate measurement?  Even if we are implementing a true Value, if our spouse is EITHER involved with Deal Breakers OR he does not desire the higher Intensity level of Sustainable Attraction in the marriage that we do, the Attraction in our marriage may stay the same or decrease.  So that is a false reading of a true Value.  The only way to get a true reading of a specific Value is to evaluate our relationship with God—the Intensity and Sustainability of the presence of the Holy Ghost.

"For do we not read that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and in him there is no variableness neither shadow of changing?" ~Mormon 9:9