Chapter 48: Discernment

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether the over-the-top Adversity we’re experiencing is real or the self-inflicted kind.  Some of the sacrifices we do on a daily basis for our spouse, family, community, and God are seemingly self-inflicted.  We have made commitments and are bound to keep them.  If we stopped keeping them, which choice is completely within our control, the Adversity on us would decrease but it would then unavoidably increase for them.  We can also toggle these variables by slowing down our commitment making/keeping or speeding it up.  

Commitment Making and Keeping
For example, sometimes we are faced with the difficult decision of just how far we should withdraw our commitment to our spouse.  Our remaining in a close relationship with him means we are making/keeping certain commitments to him that fill his inherent needs and vice versa.  If these commitments are continuously being made but not kept on one or both sides, the relationship is going to be imbalanced if it remains that close.   Pulling away from expecting our spouse to keep his commitments to us is an option.  But who we choose to go to in order to fill our inherent needs in the meantime can be either a Deal Breaker or it can be part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  

When we go to the Savior himself to nourish us, while our spouse is trying to regain his ability to make/keep the commitment to fill our inherent needs, we are going to an authorized source.  Going to family members, friends, ecclesiastical leaders, or other marriage counselors for help and support during tough times may also be appropriate resources.  Who to go to and who not to go to requires the ability of discernment.  This is when it becomes very important to have developed a strong communication relationship with the Head of our Marriage Counselor Team.  God allows us to develop fulfilling relationships with other family members, friends, church leaders, and counselors that do not cross his boundaries into inappropriate relationships.  They actually help sustain the marriage, rather than cause it to crumble.  Figuring out whether another relationship we're developing is supportive to our marriage or destructive requires the Discernment of God's opinion.  

For example, if both spouses have developed strong relationships with their families, they may not need to depend upon each other so intensely.  Yet their relationship may remain sustainable even with a number of additional friendships and counselors because they do rely on each other to a sufficient degree--to the satisfaction of both.

Conflict arises when one spouse is getting his needs met from other sources and the other is not.  These sources may be traditional Deal Breakers such as extra-marital relationships, pornography, gambling addictions, drug/alcohol addictions, etc.  We've talked about these and most people acknowledge these as marital Deal Breakers.  But a marriage can also become imbalanced by the addition of sources that are traditionally acceptable such as other family members, friends, co-workers, etc.  Even if they are traditionally acceptable--meaning accepted by our community--they may still be causing the marriage to be imbalanced because one spouse is getting his needs met in other relationships and the other spouse is not.  If she is relying completely on him because she does not have strong enough bonds with others then the relationship will be imbalanced.  He is filled and doesn't need to make and keep commitments with her as much she needs to with him.

The reason she hasn't developed strong enough bonds in other relationships may be that she needs to develop better relationship skills.  So if she turns to her Savior and other members of her Marriage Counselor team to develop these relationship skills, she will become more balanced and thus the marriage will rebalance.  This is one example of what it means to get the "beam" out of our own eye before we try to get the "mote" out of our spouse's eye.  We identify our own weaknesses and seek the Savior's guidance to develop them into strengths.  We don't want to attribute the cause of the problem to our spouse alone and expect that balance will be achieved as soon as he fixes himself. 

"Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye." ~Luke 6:42 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." ~Ether 12:27

But if one spouse works to resolve her own personal weaknesses over an extended period of time and still is not able to develop close enough relationships with others, then the other spouse has a responsibility to separate from his other relationships and combine more with his wife if he wants his marriage to be sustainable.

That's why every relationship is different.  If a marriage is not working, these variables have to be looked at.  It's not one size fits all.  So again, this is when discernment is crucial to resolving the conflict.  We need to objectively understand our selves and circle of support as well as our spouse's.  

The Workings of our Hearts
In order to discern whether our Adversity is real (authorized--motes and beams out of our eyes) or self-inflicted (Deal Breaker), we need to be able to understand the workings of our hearts.  When we develop a strong communication relationship with God, our ability to discern increases.  One of God’s primary communication methods is through our hearts.  That’s why we’ve been talking about the feelings of Hope, Peace, Energy, Joy, Attraction, and Charity.  We can’t make our hearts feel these things.  They come as an effect.  They are God's response to what we do.  When we as individuals dance in balance--within our own personal capacity--we experience Joy as a confirmation of that balance.  When we dance too fast for our strength, we experience stress, hunger, fear, anger, and tension.  When we dance too slow for our strength, we experience boredom, depression, lethargy, and stagnancy.  These emotions signify the balance of our personal relationship with God.  They are merciful feelings that guide us through confirmation and warnings.  We know we're headed in the right direction when we feel Joy--the combination of Peace and Energy.  We know we're deviating if we experience too much Stress or Boredom. 


The Politics of Dancing Revisited
The cause of our emotional balance vs. imbalance gets even trickier when we depend on someone other than God for our Peace and Energy, like our spouse.  We experience Joy when we are dancing in balance with our spouse and Stress/Boredom  when we are dancing in imbalance with him.  Since we are supposed to depend on our spouse, our family, and our Zion community for these things, and everyone has a tendency to become imbalanced to one degree or another, we are going to experience Joy and Stress/ Boredom as a part of life.  These are the ups and downs.  This is the Rock'n Roll Dance.  These are the Politics of Dancing.  But when we develop our relationship with Jesus Christ, we can rely on his Redeeming Peace and Energy when those around us are unable to provide this for us over extended periods of time.  

We can take a certain degree of imbalance.  But when we are subject to imbalance for long periods of time Stress and Boredom turn into chronic Fear-anger AND Depression-loneliness.  Learning to turn to our Savior and other authorized relationships when the going gets tough prevents us from deteriorating into these states of bondage.  Knowing how to read our hearts enables us to know when to slow down our commitment making/keeping to our spouse and when to speed it up. 

When both spouses dance in balance with each other, both experience Sustainable Joy.  When one spouse chronically dances too fast or too slow for the other, both will experience Fear and Depression.  This creates a lot of chronic contention in the relationship.

Starting early in the relationship to maintain our Balance in Christ even while everything else is Rockn' and Rolln' around us enables us to serve as a spiritual anchor to our spouse and others in times of trouble.  It helps us avoid getting sucked into a black-hole like marriage.  Learning to depend more upon our Savior’s Peace enables us to continue dancing in balance even when our spouse and other loved ones we depend upon become imbalanced.  That’s faith.  It can be strengthened.  It is a work in progress.  As we increase our faith in Christ, we will be able to voluntarily take on higher levels of Adversity without toppling over.  Our sacrifice level is only as strong as the person or group of people we depend upon for Peace.  

In order to achieve a Soulmates Marriage it must be the primary goal of both spouses to establish this firm foundation with our Savior, spouse, family, and community.  To do that requires DISCERNING the specific variables, extended relationships, and inherent dispositions of each spouse.  

"He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved." ~Psalm 62:2