Chapter 43: Save This Dance For Me

When husband and wife strive for balance with each other and God throughout their Soulmates Journey up the mountain, both experience a strong sense of Hope for the future of their marriage.  They expect their Attraction to one another only to get better from here, not piddle out.  Even though they go through tough times, their Hope is strong in the achievement of their God-given mission, which includes their smaller goals. 

Hope is motivation, enthusiasm, drive.  It gives us a reason to get up every morning.  It provides us with an incentive to be good because the heaven we're setting our sights on doesn't seem to be so far out of our reach.  We have a pretty good taste of heaven when we're with our spouse.
Most of us do not have the marriage we dream about right now.  Some of us may even doubt that a Soulmates Marriage is even possible.  We may doubt that there is anything within our control to obtain such a heavenly state.  Or we may think we've already been doing all there is to do to make our marriage the best it can be and it still isn't what we would call "heaven."  

Wouldn't that be nice!
When we doubt that there is anything that we can personally do to obtain a Soulmates Marriage but still dream about it in wishful, regretful way, we won't have Hope but Apathy for the future of our marriage.  We imagine that the only way we would ever be able to obtain it is if our fairy godmother turned our spouse into a prince (frog to prince thing, you know, without having to actually kiss it).  These are the people who think we either marry our Soulmate or we don't.  We get lucky or we don't.  They are those who treat their spouse like some people treat their cell phones--they buy a cell phone and then sell it a year later when the next new flagship device is released.

There's no such thing!
When we have purchased a load of books on marriage and been faithful to all of their advice, gone to marriage counseling consistently for an extended period of time, purchased a number of new negligees, and have spent a lot of money on exotic romantic get-a-ways with our spouse and still the Attraction hasn't returned, we may think that a Soulmates Marriage is not possible.  The self-help books told us these things would work and they haven't!  What the heck?!  When we get to this place we don't feel Hope.  We feel more Demanding.  We want our money back.  We know we followed the directions.  We feel entitled to the reward.  It's like we're holding our hand out, ready to receive payment and it's not coming.

Personal Story
I once felt very apathetic about my marriage.  I didn't think so much about "the next new flagship device" because when I looked around I didn't see any model that exceeded another among those who were married and I knew that the pickings were even slimmer among the "unmarried."  So I headed over to the other side of the balance trying a lot of different self-help books and following their advice from negligees to romantic get-aways (not so exotic) to having straight forward talks about the "love-busters" in our marriage (which didn't go so well).  I use the pronoun "I" in describing the above steps because I was in the driver's seat.  I was always the one trying to find some way to get that Hope back into our marriage.  And I'm not saying that those self-help books didn't have a lot of good things to say.  They did.  But sometimes a car can't be fixed with a regular oil change.  It has some hidden and complicated issues in its engine.  And that's what we're going to take a look at in this and the next few blog posts:  the engine of our marriage.

The above Demand and Apathy scenarios are usually happening like a pendulum.  We try out one imbalance and then move to the other.  Occasionally we cross through and stay in Hope for a while.  The goal is to identify what factors are within our control in regards to obtaining more sustainability in Hope and what factors are outside of our control. 

Hope is having a balance between our desire to sacrifice for our spouse and our faith in our spouse’s sacrifice for us.  

When we speak our spouse’s Love Language, we sacrifice for him.  If he receives it, he experiences Peace and we experience a flow of Energy, empathy, and excitement.  When he sacrifices for us in our Love Language and we receive it, we experience Peace and he experiences that flow of Energy.  

When this relationship is balanced and ongoing, both spouses experience Sustainable Joy. 

When our spouse meets our Sustainable Joy needs, we are attracted to him.  Through this continuous process, both spouses learn to speak the same Love Language.  We learn to dance even more gracefully together over time.

When we look to our spouse for Peace, we are exercising our faith in him.  We’re putting our trust in him.  We’re leaning on him or putting our life into his hands.  In Chastity we sacrifice other ways we could receive this Peace in order to be able to receive it from him.  We sacrifice dancing with other partners and choose only to dance with him.  We save that dance for him so that it isn’t already taken when he comes.  This means we put ourselves in a pretty humble position towards him.  We wait for him and maybe even suffer hunger and longing, which basically communicates very effectively our willingness to sacrifice for him and for our Soulmates Marriage.

Listen:  "Save This Dance For Me" by David Gates

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

“And therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the Lord is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him.” ~Isaiah 30:18

Having faith in our spouse, being dependent upon him/her, or “cleaving unto him/her” is one of the rules of a Soulmates Marriage.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” ~Genesis 2:24

Listen:  “When You Say Nothing At All” by Alison Krauss

When our spouse sacrifices other ways he could receive Peace or other partners he could dance with in order to receive it from us, he saves that dance for us.  When we willingly share our Peace with him regularly through our own sacrifice process, we develop a different kind of dependence.  In order to experience Joy, we need to sacrifice.  When our spouse receives the Peace we have to offer him, we experience a flow of Energy which completes the Peace he gives to us.  Our very dance returns a continuous flow of Energy between us.  He becomes dependent upon our Peace, but we also become dependent on his receiving our Peace in order to experience that flow of Energy that creates Joy.  Joy has never been about just receiving.  It’s impossible to experience unless we are both receiving Peace and voluntarily sacrificing it for the other.  It’s the flow of Energy through us, to him, and then through him back to us that creates that feeling of Joy.  This is the engine of our marriage.  It is when two hearts are one.

The Extra Oil in the Vessel
In the parable of the Ten Virgins, we can liken the extra oil that the wise took with them in their vessels to their plan and actual preparation to wait for the Bridegroom even if he tarried.  They didn’t know when he was going to come but the fact that they prepared themselves for a longer wait communicated their resolve to stay there so they would be ready to meet him and go into the marriage with him.

The whole idea of waiting upon the Lord for some unknown period of time, is an act of faith and sacrifice.  Not filling ourselves up with other forms of Peace and Energy while we are waiting is a powerful way to communicate our love for our spouse and for God.

Personal Example
This is a hard thing for me to do in my relationship with the Lord.  I think, “well, he’s not here yet so what can I do to satisfy myself while I wait?  What can I do to occupy my time so I don’t feel the discomfort of my sacrifice as much?  Sometimes I set my heart on treats—ice cream, cookies, etc. and look for my Peace in the next time I can eat those things.  Sometimes I look around for a burst of Energy that comes from a new adventure I could start on instead of sticking to the one he’s already assigned me.  Thankfully, he gives all of us time to get it right.  My goal, and his goal for me, is to implement the higher level Value of waiting for him, setting my heart upon his coming for my Peace, and remaining steadfast in the work he has given me.  In this way I remain balanced with him and receive his Spiritual Peace and Energy instead of all the rocking and rolling that seems to be my natural way to journey.  Remaining balanced increases my Rate of Progression and hastens the Bridegroom’s coming, while rocking and rolling slows it down.  In application, waiting for the Lord is like waiting on a Soulmates Marriage with our spouse.  Instead of turning to Deal Breakers when we feel Apathetic or Demanding about our marriage, we turn to him and choose to learn his higher level Values.  When we choose his way of dancing instead of the world's, we save this dance for him.