Chapter 41: Conflicting Relationships

So many people think that divorce is not a Value of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I disagree.  Yet there was a time when I agreed.  I literally thought that if I did all I could to obey God's commandments, I would never have to get a divorce.  My sister and I said repeatedly to each other, "Divorce is not an option."  We said that because our parents were divorced and we looked on that situation with harsh judgment.  Well, I have paid for that judgment pretty harshly.  Even when I knew my own marriage was never going to work out, I refused to think of divorce.  I instead thought that maybe God would take my life or my husband's in a plane crash, car crash, or cancer, or whatever.  Not good, I know.  But to such extents I was willing to sacrifice in order to avoid the dirty D word.  After all, people in my community smiled kindly and sympathetically upon widows but treated women who were divorced with that same harsh judgment I had.

I remember the first time I contemplated the possibility that I was going to have to get divorced.  I basically mourned, wailed, cried, bawled alone in my kitchen as I was doing the dishes.  It was that kind of cry that comes from the intense depths of the heart, full of so much anguish.  In divorcing my husband I would also be divorcing my Christian community to a certain extent.  I knew they wouldn't understand.  I wouldn't be able to explain it to them.  They would reject me to a certain degree and I would have to stop desiring to lean upon them for support as much as I did.  This was extra hard on me as I was pretty much raised by my Church.  So it was like I would be disowned by my parents, my family, all those whom I loved.  And all I could do was give it all to my Savior and say, "Please, please don't make me do that."

The grief I experienced as a result of the separation of my relationship with my husband was experienced over several years privately with the Lord.  I had previously gone through a long period of mourning for the death of that relationship.  Yet true to the scriptures, "the sting of death" was indeed swallowed up in Christ (Mosiah 16:8).  

The grief I experienced upon realizing for the first time that Heavenly Father was instructing me to divorce my husband "out loud" was sudden and intense.  I just wasn't that kind of girl.  I didn't ever see myself as the type of person who would ever get a divorce.  The external view that I knew others would take of me that I was a covenant breaker sickened me.  Yet it was true that my heart and spirit had been privately divorced from my husband for a long time. 

So I basically found out for myself that God sometimes does instruct us to separate from others as a means of resolving the conflict.  In order to put that Value to the Scientific Experiment, I had to seriously study the scriptures to find evidence of its truth.  And I did find evidence.  The Holy Ghost bore witness to it.  It didn't stop the fear completely and the intense trial of it all but it gave me the strength I needed to be able to do it.  Here are just a few examples of what I found: 

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” ~2 Corinthians 6:14

Okay, so this one can be viewed with pride--self-righteousness.  We don't want to do that.  All it's saying is the same thing I've been saying in the last few blog posts about two spouses needing to have a very similar level of Values and growing together in their relationship with the Lord.  One spouse doesn't have to be totally wicked and dastardly to cause the kind of schism that will end in Sustainable Attraction failure.

“And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard.” ~Jacob 5:65

This one demonstrates the need for balance in relationships.  If one is much stronger than the other, the graft, which can be a metaphor for Sustainable Attraction, will perish.

“No man also seweth a piece of new cloth on an old garment: else the new piece that filled it up taketh away from the old, and the rent is made worse.” ~Mark 2:21

“Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved.” Matthew 9:17

The above two scriptures also represent the need for balanced Values in a relationship.  Lower level Values are like an old garment or old bottles.  They are just fine to have when your spouse has the same level of Values.  Higher level Values are like a new garment or new wine.  If we sew a new cloth with stronger, tighter threads onto an old garment, they will eventually rip apart.  I am less familiar with why new wine would cause old bottles to break but I assume its strength would be too much for them.  The people in Christ's time were all living by lower level Values.  When he came along, he presented a higher law.  As long as they held onto the lower Values, there would only be a chasm in between them and him.  He was inviting them all to forsake their old ways and come closer to him.

“Behold, it came to pass that I, Nephi, did cry much unto the Lord my God, because of the anger of my brethren. But behold, their anger did increase against me, insomuch that they did seek to take away my life. Yea, they did murmur against me, saying: Our younger brother thinks to rule over us; and we have had much trial because of him... And it came to pass that the Lord did warn me, that I, Nephi, should depart from them and flee into the wilderness, and all those who would go with me.” ~2 Nephi 5:1-3, 5

“For behold, it came to pass that the Lord spake unto my father, yea, even in a dream, and said unto him: Blessed art thou Lehi, because of the things which thou hast done; and because thou hast been faithful and declared unto this people the things which I commanded thee, behold, they seek to take away thy life. And it came to pass that the Lord commanded my father, even in a dream, that he should take his family and depart into the wilderness.” 1 Nephi 2:1-2

The above two scriptures are from the Book of Mormon and describe the same kind of situation.  Both Lehi and Nephi had grown close to God.  They both prescribed higher level Values and were trying to convince the people to give up their lower level Values for a more excellent way.  But the people wouldn't do that.  That's nothing new.  It's has been a very common story throughout history that prophets invite people to repent and the people don't want to.  And so just like in all those other stories, the people didn't like Lehi and Nephi much.  They thought the were nags.  They wanted to kill them.  So the Lord instructed Lehi and Nephi to take their families and separate from these people.  Our spouse may not want to kills us (literally that is) but he may dislike us quite a bit for a very long time because of similar "nagging."  Hopefully we don't really nag but it just seems like it to them because we have become so very different from them.

“And the Lord said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows;  And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and to bring them up out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and honey.” ~Exodus 3:7-8

This was a big piece of evidence for me.  Once Egypt had been a good place for the children of Israel.  The Pharaoh was friendly and had made a covenant of peace with the people.  But things changed over time.  The relationship between the new Pharaoh and the children of Israel didn't have the same trust level.  Bondage was the result.  It was necessary for the people of Israel to break their side of the covenant because Pharaoh was breaking his.  They didn't really want to leave Egypt.  It was there home.  They liked it there but they didn't like the slave situation.  Being forced to sacrifice for Pharaoh prevented them from developing the motivation to voluntarily sacrifice in love for their fellow beings, a characteristic that must be present in order to become more like Christ.  With this deeply interwoven conflict, they could only be delivered through the power of God. 

In a marriage, each spouse needs to have the motivation and JOY to voluntarily sacrifice in love for each other.  The two of them have made a deal with each other.  Each is going to make it easy on the other to love.  Each does this voluntarily.  When a spouse knows what attracts the other, he/she works to do exactly that.  It is a common occurrence for that attitude to cease and be replaced by one that says, "He (or she) is obligated to love me.  He should love me for who I am.  I shouldn't have to do anything more to attract him.  I'm the best thing he could get anyway."  When this happens, the relationship becomes more like bondage similar to that of Israel and Egypt.

Jesus speaking to the Pharisees:  “He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men....Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition....Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.” ~Mark 7:6-13
 
Traditions of men are like lower level Values.  The Word of God is God's Values.  These things will conflict.  In a society there is more tolerance, flexibility, and wiggle room that accommodates different levels of Values because relationships are not as close as they are in a marriage.  We can disagree with people and still be nice because we don't have to live with them or share a room, bathroom, and bed with them.  In a marriage, Values need to be very similar in order to live in Joy and Sustainable Attraction with one another.  The sexual relationship testifies of the necessary proximity between husband and wife.  They are to be one flesh.  They are to be united.  They are to cleave unto each other.  It was never meant that they be two ships passing in the night.  This is the place they are both deeply nourished so they don't have to get their needs met by everyone and their dog.  Thus the very purpose of marriage, the very reason God ordained this relationship is rendered null and void if husband and wife have Values that only cause a lifetime of conflict and strife between them, or worse--two people who learn to ignore each other.  If they are continuously and increasingly repulsed by each other, then what?  

Each has to bend for the other.  As stated before, when one has drawn closer to God, he or she must bend in sacrifice for the other.  The other is then given time to voluntarily bend or change by giving up lower Values for higher ones, in order to maintain that nourishing relationship.  But if the first bends and the other does not, Justice will eventually overcome the relationship.  That's when Attraction fails.