Chapter 22: Changes & Choices in Marriage

We can generally desire to obtain a Soulmates Marriage but not desire to obtain that with our specific spouse.  We may not know why that is the case.  We only know that we still have a desire to be married and would like it to be this person but can't seem to figure out why it isn't.  When an imbalance between two people is becoming gradually steeper over time, the desire to be close to him/her actually leaves us well before most of us are willing to give up on the marriage.  Most of us fight against it, ignore it, and force ourselves to not accept it because we don't know that it is possible to separate our Desire for a Soulmates Marriage from the specific person we chose to marry.  And that’s good because it gives us and our spouse that time and space needed to work it all out.  Sometimes that's all that is needed--more time.  But if, after being given plenty of time, there still is no change according to God's judgment (Motes&Beams & "Not my will, but thine be done."), it may be extremely beneficial to separate the general desire of a Soulmates Marriage from the specific desire of obtaining that with our present spouse (Revelations 2:21; D&C 132:44).

“He spake also this parable; A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard; and he came and sought fruit thereon, and found none.  Then said he unto the dresser of his vineyard, Behold, these three years I come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and find none: cut it down; why cumbereth it the ground?  And he answering said unto him, Lord, let it alone this year also, till I shall dig about it, and dung it:  And if it bear fruit, well: and if not, then after that thou shalt cut it down.” ~Luke 13:6-9

Personal Example
The Rate of an individual's Progression can also be slowed by too much Adversity at too young of an age. Child abuse and neglect in addition to the Child's natural ignorance of how to access the Atonement of Jesus Christ can significantly slow a child's Rate of Progression AT FIRST.  It can also mask her inherent desire to increase her Rate of Progression because she doesn't know that's the way to resolve her conflicts.  Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, this is not a permanent problem if the child eventually develops a close and lasting relationship with him or at least one other person like him later in her life. But this could cause problems in her marriage. If she significantly increases her faith in Christ AFTER she gets married, her Rate of Progression will significantly change.  In order to overcome the extreme Adversity she experiences as a result of the abuse and neglect she went through as a child, she is subject to a very strict and tender disciplinary retraining process. If her husband has not experienced the same degree of Adversity growing up, he will most likely not be quite so engaged in this process. The motivation may not be there. So this is what her husband will have to deal with if he doesn't grow with her: 

"We can rebuild her.  We have the technology" Ether 12:27

Before
Her Survival of the Fittest tendencies that cause Adversity at home, lack of faith in the face of Adversity (which is an Attraction Inhibitor as you might remember).

During
Rapid change.  Creates confusion in the relationship as she undergoes a complete identity change.

"Surely, I thought, if man can take the ruins, rubble, and remains of a broken city and rebuild an awe-inspiring structure that rises toward the heavens, how much more capable is our Almighty Father to restore His children who have fallen, struggled, or become lost?" ~President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, He Will Place You On His Shoulders and Carry You Home

Listen:  "Me Without You" by TobyMac

After
Spouses have different levels of faith and sacrifice, which create too great of a difference in Rates of Progression.  Attraction fails.  Again, this could be temporary.  Time is needed for each person to make his/her choices. But if, after giving it time, it is discovered that it isn't temporary, wouldn't it be the best arrangement for our Heavenly Father to mercifully allow these two people to divorce and marry others who are more compatible with them rather than force them to stay together? Time is the only variable that is in question. If given even more time, would the relationship eventually balance out? We can't tell. But Heavenly Father can and we can tell what he is guiding us to do when we submit our will to his, no matter how difficult it may be. We do this with faith that in the end our results will be better than anything we could have obtained following a contrary course of action. We follow his will, whether it be to stay or to go.

Both spouses need to desire a Soulmates Marriage and be committed to playing by the general rules as well as the specific rules of their spouse.  The specific rules of our spouse are at his/her Rate of Progression.  That will change over time so both spouses need to dynamically grow together.  This is the only way to obtain Sustainable Attraction at the level that satisfies and protects both spouses and their children.