So selfishness has a bad wrap. Yes, when we have the strength to sacrifice and we instead withhold or force someone else to sacrifice for us, that's the kind of selfish we don't want to be. We had a choice and we chose selfishness. But the other kind of selfishness is childlike selfishness that has it's roots in fear. It's when we have not yet developed the faith in Jesus Christ that when we sacrifice in His name for others, he has our backs. But childlike selfishness is also when we don't have the strength or means to sacrifice as much as we're trying to force ourselves to sacrifice, and a reflexive repulsion occurs inside of us. So either way, if we don't have enough faith in Christ or if we're running faster than we have strength, our voluntary sacrifice turns into a grudge sacrifice or a repulsion sacrifice (repressing our own needs to continue being what we think is good).
When we can differentiate between voluntarily sacrificing out of love and sacrificing grudgingly, we can discern between real Adversity and self-inflicted Adversity or Adversity we were not meant to carry alone. When we can take note of when one is transitioning into the other, we can know when to keep going and when we need to slow things down and ask for help from a safe source. That’s an important skill because self-inflicted Adversity does us no good. It won’t build our marriage. It kills love instead of fostering it.
"For
behold, if a man being evil [selfish] giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly;
wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the
gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God. And
likewise also is it counted evil unto a man, if he shall pray and not
with real intent of heart; yea, and it profiteth him nothing, for God
receiveth none such." ~Moroni 7:8-9
This seems like a judgmental scripture because it slings around the word "evil" like it ain't no thang. But none of us want to be thought of as evil. If we can interpret that word in a constructive way, we can see this scripture as helpful.
For behold, if a man or woman gives a gift for selfish reasons, s/he does it grudgingly, so it's not going to build love. It's going to build repulsion, and perhaps repulsion on both sides. God sees the motivation behind our gift, our sacrifice, the reason we're doing the good deed. Anyone aligned with him will sense the discord between the action and the intent. And we will feel it too, even if we attempt to repress it. God wants authenticity, sincerity. And so do most of us. But sometimes we just do "the right thing" even though the altruistic motivation is not in us. We do it because we believe it is the higher ground we need to stand on, even while the rest of the turd-brains below us carry on their imbalanced behaviors.
We have to step away from the situation and reach a place where we can discuss it with trusted sources. We don't have to force ourselves to keep sacrificing when we feel repulsion as we do it. That's only going to end in disaster, especially if it goes on for extended periods.
This seems like a judgmental scripture because it slings around the word "evil" like it ain't no thang. But none of us want to be thought of as evil. If we can interpret that word in a constructive way, we can see this scripture as helpful.
For behold, if a man or woman gives a gift for selfish reasons, s/he does it grudgingly, so it's not going to build love. It's going to build repulsion, and perhaps repulsion on both sides. God sees the motivation behind our gift, our sacrifice, the reason we're doing the good deed. Anyone aligned with him will sense the discord between the action and the intent. And we will feel it too, even if we attempt to repress it. God wants authenticity, sincerity. And so do most of us. But sometimes we just do "the right thing" even though the altruistic motivation is not in us. We do it because we believe it is the higher ground we need to stand on, even while the rest of the turd-brains below us carry on their imbalanced behaviors.
We have to step away from the situation and reach a place where we can discuss it with trusted sources. We don't have to force ourselves to keep sacrificing when we feel repulsion as we do it. That's only going to end in disaster, especially if it goes on for extended periods.
Keep in mind that this could apply to the sexual relationship between husband and wife. It must be voluntary on both sides, or it will spoil the whole thing for both of you. Once or twice may not be enough to cause serious damage, but engaging in this behavior over the course of years will.
This also can apply to the way one spouse takes all the blame for failures in the relationship, without recognizing their are other cause involved. It is a sacrifice to take the blame and sometimes we can do that without a grudge. But paying close attention to what our heart experiences helps us see when we're objectively taking too much and it is not productive. When relationships experience failure, it usually includes a combination of factors, including, not always in the way we initially think, the imbalanced behaviors of both spouses as well as the environment each grew up in.
"No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father." ~John 10:18
This also can apply to the way one spouse takes all the blame for failures in the relationship, without recognizing their are other cause involved. It is a sacrifice to take the blame and sometimes we can do that without a grudge. But paying close attention to what our heart experiences helps us see when we're objectively taking too much and it is not productive. When relationships experience failure, it usually includes a combination of factors, including, not always in the way we initially think, the imbalanced behaviors of both spouses as well as the environment each grew up in.
"No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father." ~John 10:18
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